Facebookery

I've read a couple posts lately about Facebook, pretty hilarious ones, actually. The lady at Housewife Diaries made me paranoid about which kind of mess I am now, and asserts my original inclination not to attend my upcoming Ten Year Reunion. And over here Mr Zibbs over here gets some facebook loving from a big fan.

I trashed my myspace page a while ago, mainly cause it made me feel like a teenager. I hated prettying it up all the time and denying friendships with weird random perverts who told me they 'like my style' or 'love my boobs'.

Facebook is better. I love talking to people I wouldn't usually get to chat with, and there's a neat sense of voyeurism to seeing what other people have to say to your friends etc...etc...
I like that I can just message someone or comment on their status instead of having to call them. My best friend Mindi and I have a strange no calling relationship. She's my closest friend, yet we never talk. Maybe once every two months. We IM on facebook and send random messages instead.
I also LOVE this:

Erin completed the quiz "Which Goonie Are You?" with the result 'Stef'.
Feisty, dry and a bit of a skeptic, you're all for adventure, but you don't want to feel like you're "babysitting and not getting paid"! Possibly the coolest Goonie..

I thought I was definitely going to be 'Munch' or the 'slick shoes' kid. But instead I'm the girl that hooks up with 'Mouth'. Sounds about right.

Anti-Fat Sentiments and Cute Videos

I know, I know...I'm such a super dumb 'Mommy Blogger' and you all can't stand me and how much I talk about my kids.

So on with it I will go!

My kids are funny/mean/strange:

Olivia says she's a 'Dog Whisperer' and talks daily about getting a dog..."to whisper to".

Max wears this one pair of cheetah print leggings all of the time. Rose loves them and regardless of how many times Max wears them she always compliments her on them.
"Maxine, you look lovely in those pants"
"Thanx Wose...they're cheetah, you know."

Olivia is extremely prejudiced against fat people. I, for some reason, am sometimes an exception from this horrible form of child bigotry, and sometimes bear the brunt of it.
When you try to explain to her how mean and inappropriate she is, she laughs...
"I'm so skinny, why can't they just be like me?"

"Mom your butt is SO BIG! Isn't there something you can do to stop growing SO BIG???"

"That lady's arms were the size of the weights she should be working out with."

"If he stopped eating, he wouldn't be so gigantic. My brother is huge and that dude would kill him if he sat on him!!!!!!!!!! That's dangerous."

Although I'm pretty sure Jeremiah isn't on the same page with her mean sentiments, she views him as a co conspirator in her Anti-Fat Regime.
"So and so is the size of a building, a really (gestures 'wide' with her hands spread wide wide apart) one, but not so tall... Jeremiah should say something to her, then maybe she could be skinny, like us."

She also tells me that she is going to marry Jeremiah first (I'm assuming she means before I do) because they are both so skinny.

Elijah is funny mainly cause he's a baby...that almost two age is usually rife with hilarity. He's also doing this stubborn non-talky thing:




I love the way he sits and smugly smiles at me, "Laugh it up Mom...you think everything's funny and delightful now, but you won't be so happy when Poppa marries Olivia because they're skinny and you're fat!"

School's almost out and Max picks her nose

I'm so glad school is almost over and I can spend some time with all of my kids instead of having to share them with school, soccer, piano and other various constant activities. I know we'll all be bored with each other and the house by the second week of summer though!
I had a super small birthday get together for Rose last Thursday and then Saturday she turned nine. I can't believe it!


Check out Max's excellent nose picking skills, she gets that from me... ;)


This weekend I attempted to relax with Jeremiah and Elijah, we went on two bike rides and a nature walk. We took Elijah on an easier trail at McConnells's Mills...thinking that he would enjoy stretching his legs and climbing on the smaller rocks. He had other plans in mind, only wanting to pick up small rocks and throw them in the creek...which meant he would try to do so at any cost, even if it meant running up to the edge of the cliff over and over again.

Seeing the danger we had to trek back to our car carrying a very pissed off 35 pound 20 month old. Jeremiah didn't break a sweat on our hilly five mile bike ride the day before, but he was pretty darn red in the face after wrestling with Elijah on the walk back to our car.
Here's some photos from the weekend:

Jon and Kate get eaten alive by murderous Mako Sharks

Have any of you read this Jon and Kate Plus eight crap?

How come he goes out and cheats on her with a 23 year old and she's the bad guy?
If you want nice things for your kids, you're a villain, if you work to make more money, you're a bad mother.

I've seen a few episodes, and although Kate does seem domineering, who the heck cares?! She's got eight kids in her house, regardless of how much help she has, and she's responsible for their care at all times.
I have half the amount of children to care for, and sometimes only five days a week (I share custody of my three oldest children with my ex-husband), does that mean my job as a mother and caretaker is somehow negated?

One article I read about the whole 'scandal' says that Jon was pissed that she was traveling and working so much. I guess he's pretty mad about that $1.1 million dollar mansion her hard work brought them too! Freaking jerk-off, that guy. He's so vain and whiny. He's the main reason I don't watch the show, aside from all the whining kids. I have enough of that at home, I'm not going to watch it on T.V.

Ok, so I got that off of my back. I get on the computer to check my email this morning and I'm assaulted by all this crap...it just bothers me. People obviously love their t.v. show! Why wouldn't they pursue their careers in the entertainment business if they're providing good lives for their children? Are the kids abused, neglected? Will they be hurt by all this media coverage of their parents split? Maybe, but maybe watching it later in life might give them a little bit of insight on what happened, instead of always wondering about it. Lot's of people split up, lots of people make mistakes, make amends and move on. I just don't think that Kate Gosselin should be lambasted like this.

Rosey the Posey is 9!!!!

I'm having cake and ice cream in honor of my eldest daughter's Ninth Birthday today! Yay For Rosey!

Her actual Birth Day is on saturday, but she'll be with her daddy, so today is the day!
I was in complete and total shock after giving birth to Rose. It wasn't amazing and emotional experience, it was clinical and long. She was 7 pounds 11 ounces and tiny, with dark skin and black hair. I couldn't believe that she was mine when I first held her, most of my siblings and cousins had been fair and chubby at birth, most always bald too. So everything went in slow motion, everything seemed surreal and strange.
That passed soon enough...
Rose became my first true love, taking care of her was the first time I felt like a human being and not a flightly little girl, being responsible for her needs made me competent and stronger. She and I had a bumpy start, I had problems nursing her and she was very small and thin.
But once I got the hang of it she became such a bright, pleasant baby.
The only thing that really upsets me, looking back at when she was a baby, was that I didn't have a digital camera! UGH! Scanned photos stink:


Rosey is such a busy, happy little girl, it's as hard to characterize her as it's easy to characterize Max. I think you can get a lot of her personality from her face though:



I call her 'Momma's Baby', my 'Rosey Posey'. She forgives me instantly for being stressed, I forgive her instantly for everything she might do wrong. Rose and I speak the same language, Rose and I are always on the same page. Thank Goodness for Rose.

In Honor of My 101st Post....

...I will bore you to death! Well, it's better than being beaten to death will the sharpened broken end of a croquet mallet, eh?

Holy Cow BlogWorld!
Did you know that the post previous to this one was my 100th POST!??

Wow. In honor of my that huge and amazingly important milestone I will share part of a story I wrote for Jeremiah about the day we first met. It's sort of like Miss Yvonne's posts about meeting Captain Carl at Yo Mama's Blog, but not as cool...mainly because she's Miss Yvonne and I'm Erin The Dork.

Aren't you glad you moseyed on over to Blogging is For Dorks today? You're darn tootin'.


Once upon a time, there was a girl:

The girl was small and round, she had a cheery smile, a pleasant disposition and a quick, short step. She had recently pummeled her little brother for messing with her stereo and her arm felt reassuringly sore from his volitile defense. She was at the moment walking down the red brick hill and enjoying the sun and the wind on her face and in her hair.
This delightful girl was heading towards her friends, a small group that spent most of their time skateboarding, and that she spent most of her time watching. She never really minded, actually enjoyed watching them roll around, jumping and swearing when they missed the trick they were attempting. Simple energy encased in arrogant boy movements, perfect in their own way. She was happy and content.
This day would have been the same as many other she had spent in exactly the same way, except for the fact that it was....different. A few days before this day she had met a different boy, well, she hadn't exactly met him but she had seen him, heard him talk and watched him laugh and skate with her friends in an easy manner. She wasn't sure how old he was, he smoked fat camel cigarettes, but they all did. It donned on her at some general point since seeing him that she didn't care how old he was, it could be assumed he wouldn't be too much older than her, or the range of ages of her friends. These boys were all the same no matter how old they were, really. But for some reason she was convinced this particular boy was not the same. He was thin and attractive, with an easy smile and a bright expression. She heard him laugh many times in the short period she watched him and when she asked someone what his name was, she thought it unique.
Later it would all make sense, but in this moment the thought of the fleeting moments she spent looking at him make a slow but beaming smile appear on her ready face. She had crossed the bridge at the bottom of the hill and could already see her friends at a distance. She wondered if the boy would be there this day and a quickening like butterflies took over her tummy.

Llama Flu and Giant Arse's Galore!

On Monday Jeremiah and I took Elijah to a nearby animal park.
I'm sure most have you have been to a place like this.
They're usually right off of the highway, tons of billboards leading up to them, and they end up being mostly a petting zoo with a few lions (Barbary Lions, which I was told yesterday, are extinct in the wild), bears, and sloths thrown in for good measure.

It was pretty clear that this place sucked for the animals, and the workers were all super mean and dirty. This one guy was raking crap out of the camel enclosure (cage) and was talking to himself in crazy-man speak the whole time. Littered with "f*cking this" "piss poor mother f*er's" "what the f*ck is going on here"...

It's pretty insane when you walk through a animal park and think, "Boy, it would be so much better for these animals in a zoo!".

This place has a ton of llamas and goats, which are both villainous creatures. There was also a incident of llama spitting that took place towards the end of our foray into this dirty, smelly, sad place. I have a couple photos of the super-jerk llama that spit at Jeremiah. I say super-jerk because I have to pretend like it wasn't absolutely hilarious watching Jeremiah run away from a spitting llama.


Elijah didn't really seem that into the more exotic animals. He growled at the Bears for a minute, but didn't even want to shoot dog food (from the $.25 machine next to the bear cage) down the PVC pipe and onto the shit covered cage floor.
He was mostly into feeding the petting zoo animals and out of all of them really spent the most time with this tiny little kangaroo. He insisted feeding this little dude one piece of rabbit pellet (that's the best way to describe the $3 bucket of stinky crud we bought at the front entrance....I'm sure it's very nutritious for the animals) at a time. I felt so bad for this kangaroo friend, suffering in silence as he took his sustenance from my little boy's hand in amazingly slow increments:


To cap our day off, Jeremiah bought a infant seat for the back of my bike (a hand me down from Jeremiah's dad, Thanks DAVE!). We rode around the neighborhood and Elijah screamed when we took him out of the seat! He LOVED it!
I took Max in it later that night when she got home from her dad's house. I wasn't riding fast enough for her so Jeremiah took her out and I heard her screaming in delight from blocks away.
Here is Elijah is his new helmet and me and Elijah on our new bike configuration. Please take care not to stare so much at my giant arse. Hopefully the bike and Elijah's extra weight will help me burn some of that monster off.

The Interview From Hell

Lana is doing this fun meme, which might sound like an oxymoron...but I likey this meme much more than usual ones. If you want to participate just HOLLA (see how cool I am? Don't you want to join in now?)at me in the comments and the first five people (which might not happen, I won't get my hopes up) will get five questions each, questions that I will come up with on my very own. Here are the questions Lana wrote for me:

1. did you ever find out who wrote you that really mean email? would you respond if you did?

In case you have no idea what we're 'talking' about, look here.
No! I'm convinced it was the bastards who were letting their dogs crap in my yard, but it seems so far fetched and impossible that they would be able to find me on here...I guess they could have looked at my mail, searched the internet and found my blog...but I don't use my last name...this is surely one to ponder. Whoever it was probably ended up feeling pretty freaking stupid after being made fun of by a whole bunch of commenters. Take that you bastards!

And Hell Yeah I'd respond. It would go something like this:

F*ck You and Your Stuck Up A**hole. Have a great f*cking day.
Love,
Erin

2. can you convert your headband pattern to knit for me if i promise not to sell them?

I have no idea how to do that. I didn't even know you could do that. I'll look into it, and you can sell them all you want. I don't corner the market on cute things to wear on your head. Or do I????

3. what color would a smurf turn if it were choking?

What's a smurf? Is that some gross sexual term I'm not familiar with? Listen Lana...I know we all like Steamy's blog, but if you want to learn about smurfing please refrain from doing it in front of my mother, who sometimes reads this blog. Or Jeremiah's step-mom, who might or might not check in from time to time...Or Rose's teacher (ok I made that one up).

Just kidding Lana! Please, comment and regale us all on what smurfing is and what it entails. I'm sure we would all walk away grander and more knowledgable people.

Unless you're actually referring the the old cartoon...in that case the answer is blue. Wait, what was the question?

4. do you sing more in the car or in the shower? what, if any, accompanying dance moves do you employ while singing?

I sing all the time. It's pretty much a curse. I can't help it. And what makes everything worse is that I know all the words to every song ever. The times I sing the most are while I'm cooking or doing dishes and while in the car with Jeremiah. I pretty much sing in his ear the whole time we're in the car. I think one of the things that made me love him so incredibly much is that he's never told me to stop. Not once. He does get super embarrassed when I try to do any kind of dancing whatsoever. I must look so amazingly retarded cause he seems mortified, even when we're in the privacy of our own home.

5. what was the last item you re-gifted?

Last month Rose's dad was supposed to pick her up and take her to a birthday party/sleepover. He ran into a bunch of problems at work and was going to be super late, so I had to scramble to take her. The gift they had picked out was locked in her dad's house though, so Rose and I wrapped up some books Jeremiah and I got her for Christmas. Rose said the girl seemed pretty disappointed in books, her dad saved the day later when he dropped off the present they got...a giant squirt gun set. He trumps me AGAIN!

The Worst Day EVER

Okay, so I'm sure I've had worse days, but it doesn't really compute that way right now at this point.

Tuesday night I was washing Olivia's face when I saw something in her hair. My mom had put the fear of lice in me when I was a teenager, and I've never quite recovered. She went absolutely berserk when my little brother had bugs in his hair. She spent the next couple days frenetically checking our heads, washing our bedclothes and curtains in steaming hot water and treating us (and herself) with chemical shampoos, if we had bugs on us or not. (to this day I'm certain my brother was the only one with lice...)
So, as I'm leaning over dear Olivia's head I'm actually quaking with fright. I find something that looks like the photos of 'nits' or 'lice eggs' on her head.
But other than the things I found on her head looking like 'nits' there was nothing else similar to a lice infestation. No bugs on any of the kids heads, the 'nits' were several inches up the shaft away from the scalp and although the 'nits' were stuck to the shaft of the hair, they were easy to slip up and off of the shaft. I was so confused.

I called the pediatrician and the world's dumbest nurse called me back. She only gave me advice from the times her children had lice, she wouldn't give me competent somewhat medical advice at all.

"Just go to The Walmart and buy a bunch of the Nix stuff and treat everyone in the house with it. That's what I've always done. I just line 'em up and put the stuff through their hair, make 'em sit for an hour (the box says 10 minutes, by the way) and I do myself too, cause I can't check myself, ya know?"


"MmmHmmm...I know you can't check yourself. I read on the internet that the chemical's are dangerous and that you shouldn't treat the children with the chemicals unless they have live bugs on their head. And I've checked the younger two children, no nits."

"I could never see those eggs. I think they're impossible to see. And the bugs run all over the place and can jump from head to head. (which I learned later is totally untrue)"


"So you're saying that I should treat everyone in the house with the chemical shampoo, even the baby?"

"Ya, just don't leave it on as long."


I thanked her and hung up the phone. Everything she had just told me was contrary to what I had read on the internet but as things are I'm already inclined to hose down all the kids with bleach...

I decide to call back and talk to a different nurse. I called back, said I'd like to either speak to a different nurse or the doctor. Finally after waiting for a half hour, the doctor gets on the phone:

"Are you sure it's an active infestation? For some odd reason we find nits on kids heads all the time that are dead or don't hatch. Don't treat the children with no nits with any sort of chemical solutions, it's found to be very dangerous."

So I sit there like an idiot for a moment, deciding whether or not to rat out the idiot nurse. Because she pissed me off with her ignorance I totally ratted on her! The doctor didn't seems surprised and said that it was probably time to update the staff on lice removal and policies.

I won't bore you with all the horrible tortures I put my kids through yesterday, mainly sitting in my lap for hours and hours while I pulled and twisted their hair. I called the school this morning and they said they can be in school as long as there are no bugs in the hair. The school nurse checked them and said I did an excellent job, no bugs, no nits.

I feel so freaking tense right now I could snap. I bet all of you out there, mothers or not, are super glad you're not me right now!

On a much brighter note, I got a custom order for a set of matching mother/daughter headbands. The little girl one will be cream and pink and the mother one pink and brownish. Just plain stripey with a strip of vintage buttons up the back of the head. They're looking pretty good so far, I'll post photos soon and everyone can give me honest feedback! RIGHT?? Right Mo Fos.

Headbands and Plant Murder Confessions

For a little while I've been working on a few new things for my store Ultra-Cute Crochet. I thought about blankets, but didn't feel like buying really high-end yarns and then not selling anything. I usually do a ton of custom order hats/accessories in the winter through etsy.com and not through etsy, but this time of year is extremely slow.
So here is one of my ideas a light weight headband made of organic cotton, but as you see in the back of this 'headband' I had this idea of a thick hanging braid. Who's going to want to braid up the back of the head band everytime they wear it? So that's out. The colors and style are completely changeable, I have a plain stripe with brown russet and mustard too, Olivia was just too impatient to model it.
Next time I'll have to bribe her with something.

So does anyone have any suggestion for the back and how it can clasp/connect...etc..etc... Any suggestions for colors? Thickness/thinness?


Anyways on a not so 'give me feedback' front, did everyone have a wonderful weekend? A Happy mother's Day? Jeremiah got me hanging baskets for my porch. I'll get around to taking photos of them soon, if I don't end up killing them before I can snap a few.
Gardens/plants and I have a notoriously long and tumultuous relationship. Let's just say it never ends well for them. I'm like the black widow of gifted potted plants. They all love me and I ruin them mercilessly.

Happy Mother's Day!

I don't necessarily think that my mom and I watched all that much t.v., but for some reason whenever I see a certain movie or clip I'll get all misty eyed like I watched this all the time with her. Maybe I did, ask her and we'll find out.
If I ask her she might be pissed that I don't remember. If she sees this we'll all act like we're just kidding around and THEN you ask her!
Just looking for these clips this morning made me cry!

Enjoy your weekends and Happy Mother's Day!

This is from the greatest movie ever made:


And this is from Jeremiah's all time favorite flick!



Ok, that didn't have anything to do with my mom. But if you're a mom and you liked it, then consider it my gift to you!

Doubting their Maternity...

If you look to the right, you will see yet another funny picture of my super excellent boyfriend Jeremiah, who is the topic of almost every single one of my posts...

Anyways, he pointed out to me that there was a photo of me and a photo of my children on the right side of my blog, but no mention of him. So just for that...your wish is my command (Did I use that cliche correctly?)

I wanted to mention that Rose, my oldest daughter (age 8), won an award at school today for being all around kick butt! She's a 'Consistent Kid' and was given the award and a gift at school today during her lunch period, in front of the whole 2nd 3rd and 4th grades. Which she said was, "Exhilarating!". There's further proof that she's way too smart and awesome to be my kid.

I doubt her maternity!

I wonder if they would have us on the Maury Povich show. My daughter doesn't look a thing like me and she's obviously already leaps and bounds ahead of me on the intelligence track. I'm pretty sure my second cousin Shareeboriqua is really the baby momma. DNA test us and embarrass us in front a studio audience and one billion stay at home moms, retirees and school skipping teenage girls! Please?

Tomorrow I will be posting a very emotional, gut wrenching Mother's Day post and you better come here, read it and pretend that I moved you in some way. Or I will hunt down each of your blogs and make fun of every single one of your profile photos, regardless of how much prettier or thinner than me you are. So beware.

Oh and another totally awesome kid update, for all of you as obsessed with Maxine's Potty Training (or lack of it) as I am:
Max has been diaper free for three days now AND has pooped on the potty three FREAKING times. This week has been so great for her and I!!!!!!!!! Hooray for crapping where you're supposed to...

Weather.com and my Posts are Unreliable

I'm so fed up with weather.com...last night they told Rose and I that it was supposed to be cloudy and rainy and no higher than 60 degrees all day today and all day so far it's been warm and sunny! How am I supposed to appropriately dress my children and plan a day's activities without knowing what the weather is going to be like!?!?!

That's it! I'm writing them a letter.

And just because I am so incredibly random and moody today I will post a video of the only sources of testosterone in our otherwise All-Girl household.
It's funny how it looks like Elijah is going to gently start playing us some serious piece of music and instead just bashes the keys. Watch to the end and see Jeremiah TOTALLY annoyed with me! Love it...

Tannic Tuesday? (What does Tannic mean? I think I read it in Rosemary's Baby)

Alot of people have cute theme names for their weekly posts "Wordless Wednesday" "Freebie Friday" "Tubular Tuesday", (ok so I made that one up). I realized somewhere along the way on my 2*ahem*8 years on the planet that I'm not as cool as everyone else.

I should be talking about how I had a run in with a super annoying telemarketer this morning. (This jackass kept saying, "But how do you get your local news?" while I was insisting he take me off whatever calling list he has dialed my number from. Then finally he said, "Ok I can remove you from our calling list as soon as you tell me where you get your local news from."
I don't bargain with terrorist arses so I told him to 'shut up' (classy, right?) and hung up. My two oldest daughter's both asked, "Was that Daddy?" (my ex husband) and then I felt like a tremendous ass for a couple hours....)

Or talking about how I hate the President or how I hate the Republicans or posting links to all the great blogs I read every day...
(I like this Anna chick alot, I love this chick at Condi'sHair too, so go to Anna's first and then to Condi's and it's funny...I assume it's done on purpose, but if it's not it's even funnier)

But since I'm not funny, or even clever enough to talk about anything other than my kids, I'll instead post some adorable photos and that will fill in anytime I should be talking about things other than them!


And this photo below is for Jeremiah's sister in law Julie. She sent this adorable little bracelet to Max for her birthday and it came late because she had to change it when she found out Max's favorite color is black!!! It's an excellent gift and Max really loves it! THANKS JULIE!!!

"You Wouldn't Dare."

Okay, so I was going to write this long post complaining about Jeremiah and how he falls asleep on the couch after staying up too late on his night off and then comes upstairs to bed where I'm sleeping and Elijah's playing nicely with his trucks and watching cartoons. This is all fine and good but instead of just laying down and snoozing with me he has to bully me out of the bed instead!
BUT
I won't complain about that right now.
Instead I'll post a few photos of our overnight in the city without the baby. The main reason I'm posting several of these photos is Jeremiah told me "You wouldn't dare." Like I'm afraid of him or something! I usually take those type of statements as a challenge rather than a threat, so here we go!

And just as a disclaimer, I'm not trying to get back at him for ousting me out of my warm super comfortable bed at 7:30am...


This photo is not embarrassing, we walked around Southside, had Japanese and here we're in front of the river...if you look really hard you might be able to see it...


Okay on with the funny part...Jeremiah trying to flick me with a wet towel. And him making faces like he's going to puke on me? Is that what that face is?


Hope you all enjoy these! And if you want more embarrassing photos, I'm sure there's plenty more to post. ;)

Bastards!?!?

OK can it be remotely possible that the 'bastards' I was referring to the other say in this post found my blog online, put the blog together with me and then wrote me an email???

Cause I got the strangest email this morning:

Hello, I'm concerned about you representing yourself as a good mother and then using langage like you do on your website. How would you feel if your children were as foul-mouthed as you? Insults and negativaty are not positive things for living lifes. Please consider your words more before you put them on the internet.

I didn't edit this at all, the idiot could have at least spell checked before emailing me! Can this really be serious???? Hello! I mean I know that if you go to my blog profile you can email me... Do you think it's Jeremiah messing with me? I don't know that he would have the time to do this before he went to work this morning. Was it any of you out there?

Well this is all I have to say to this person...bastards is not a bad word, really. AND if you were reading my blog and thought it inappropriate then why would you continue reading? Has this ever happened to any of you out there?
I'm dying to know who sent me this, come on! Just tell me!

**Big Pimpin' ** just came on my pandora radio quickmix! Thank God. This day is complete.