Monday, January 31, 2011

Erin's Awkward Check Out Moment

After shopping Jeremiah and I usually cruise down the line of cashiers looking for what we hope will be a quick and generally comfortable check out experience. We have some criteria:

1):Old ladies are too slow and often make comments about our appearance or what we are buying. "Oh dear, you don't want to buy the red onions! One giant red onion is the same price as one BAG of little yellow onions!" "Are you sure you want to buy this gogurt!? There is an in store coupon for the large jug of plain vanilla yogurt, might be healthier for these little kids! Less sugar!"

2):Middle aged ladies might be faster than old ladies but it seems like every single one we get at the check out is suffering from recent 'empty nest syndrome' and completely and totally over-dotes on Elijah. It happens so often it's almost creepy. I'm not talking about a nice comment about how cute he is. "Oh my gosh look at this little angel! Just like my Jesse at that age, what is he? About three!?? Are you three honey? Oh my! I wonder if he'd scream if I tried to pick him up?! Is he a shy boy?" And something like this has happened to us more than once.

3): Bitchy, Eye-Rolling Teens are preferable over the previous two groups, but also the most unforgivable. I mean, you're working four hour shifts, you still get to go out and drive around aimlessly with your friends after work, go to the movies without having to take a toddler to the bathroom to 'poop' five times, your mom probably still makes your food, you don't have to work out three times a week and wear underwire, super-shaper bras. Just be fucking nice to me and don't roll your eyes at each coupon I give you. And when I say 'thanks, have a nice day', do not, I warn you, do not, roll your eyes at me again.

We have found that all in all out going super nerdy college students are the best cashiers. Or the mentally challenged ones. Except for the one guy who always tries to touch my boobs.

At least he doesn't roll his eyes at me.

This weekend we did some quick shopping for the week and went to two stores in an attempt to be more budget conscious. The second store we went to was unfortunately, The Walmart. There were three things there that are much cheaper there that our family MUST HAVE: the only type of cottage cheese Maxine will eat, but also one of the only things she'll eat, which makes it worth going out of our way to get. Cheap generic pull-ups. Despite my strongest and most mother-of-the-year-worthy efforts, Max is the last standing nighttime bed wetter. At least she isn't still shitting her pants, I doubt her Kindergarten teacher would appreciate that. Green Tea gingerale, Jeremiah's favorite drink, which is $1.20 cheaper (12 pack cans) at walmart than at other places.

As soon as we enter the mammoth halogen lighted complex we instantly regret our decision to go there, cheaper or not. I've told you about my experiences at Walmart before, you'd think I would have learned my lesson. Finally we're checking out at walmart and the speedy check out girl is a very slight, skinny girl with gauged ears and an adorable pixie do. Because I assume I'm still young and cool I joke with her while she's checking us out, and the most awkward moment ensues:

She reaches up and takes the gingerale off of me to ring it up, accidentally brushes my face. I look at Jeremiah and say loudly, "Do you see that J? She's trying to touch my face!?" like that's funny at all? I don't know why I'm even allowed to speak.

She looks at me oddly and I laugh and say, 'Sorry...just messing around." and she puts her head down, and says to the ground, "I don't have much of a sense of humor when it's this busy. No time."
Which means I've not just embarrassed her, I've also gone too slow at the check out. One of my biggest pet peeves.

Jeremiah is also embarrassed and while paying apologizes for me.

So a shout out to that random cashier girl. I didn't mean to be creepy, strange, or hold up your line.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dieting Twitter Style-Let's Do It!

At the tail end of 2009 I set out on a journey to change my weight drastically (I had set a goal of losing 60 pounds) and make my eating lifestyle much more natural. By October I had lost 25 and was really feeling excellent.

By February 2010 I had lost 50 and was weighing in at the not so stellar, but still much healthier, 150 pounds. That's where I got cocky and since then I've gained back 8 of those pounds.

I ride my stationary bike 2 times a week, but other than housecleaning and children caring, that's the only exercise I do. The freezing cold winter doldrums doesn't help anything in this regard either.

It's a lot of fun to ride your bike everyday when you're rolling past beautiful scenery and coasting down hills. It's a little bit different to ride in your gameroom constantly peddling and watching Hello Kitty Theatre from 1987 (thanks instant netflix!).

And this is the rub: Jeremiah is the best man in his friend's wedding on April 30th. I am, obviously, going with him (sans child!) and don't know anyone there except for the groom and bride. Not a soul.

So in order to not be super shy and ruin the night for myself and Jeremiah, I must MUST lose 40 more pounds and find an absolutely perfect outfit. Will you help me? Join with me!

Tweet with me everything you eat, NO LYING, every time you work out and what you did, AND every time you weigh in! We'll tag these tweets #dietingtwitterstyle.

What do you think? I'm posting this post and the tweet pimping out the post on a Saturday afternoon, notorious for the low number of retweet me and link me so we can gain some momentum and lose some weight!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Pre-Teen Confessional and A Plea for Help

After my magazine debut at Studio Thirty Plus, I got a few emails (ok, just one) about how it was possible that I have a ten year old daughter. I am assuming the emailer was referring to my totally young looking appearance! Which is nice...and will be nicer once I'm 37 and someone is telling me I look to young to be ten year old Elijah's mother.

It might be hard to believe that I was doggedly attempting to do course work while half asleep and worrying about inverted nipples while you were attempting to do course work while hungover and doing shots of slippery nipples, but it's true nonetheless and here is the proof, my ten year old daughter, Rosey:

So now at almost 30 I'm starting to have doubts about if I'm up to the task of parenting an older child. I know I'm a kick ass Baby and Toddler and Kid Momma, but Pre-teen and Teen? I spent nearly a ten minutes picking out her first deodorant at the store the other day. Jeremiah was more patient with me than usual.

"I'm sure whatever you pick will be fine, Baby. Just relax."

She's started straightening her hair at her Dad's house and came home last night from the long weekend with her Dad with the remnants of eye shadow and eyeliner on. I noticed it while I was cleaning out the suitcase the girls take to their Dad's house:

"Rosey, are you wearing makeup?"

"Not currently."

"Oh, well it looks like it. Jeremiah, doesn't it look like she's wearing makeup?"

"Mom! I had a sleepover at a friends house and we did makeovers!"

"And you haven't washed your face since then?"


"Go get in the shower and use one of my face scrubbies while you're in there."

"Do I have to?"

"Of course."

She pouted for the rest of the night, but not disruptively so. I was putting all the kids to bed later and kissing them all goodnight when she started waxing the philosophical at me. I usually kiss and hug her last, because she stays up later than the other kids and is allowed to read, watch t.v. or play the DS:

"Mom, do you know that Carrie (her Dad's girlfriend) has lots of friends?"

"No, Rosey I didn't know that, I don't really know Carrie."

"Why don't you have any friends?"

"I don't have much time for friends, really. I guess. I have Mindi. And Jeremiah."

"Mindi lives far away."

"True, but I can talk to her when I need to. You kids and Jeremiah are all I need for friends."

"I don't think it's the same thing... cause friends know each other. I don't think anyone really knows you, except for Jeremiah. I don't really know what you are like for real." She's kind of rambling on and whiny here.

"Honey, I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"Never mind, Momma. Sorry, I'm not sure what I'm talking about. Good night."

What I stopped myself from saying to her immediately was, 'Nobody really knows their parents', but is that true? And is that the type of relationship I want to have with my children?

I'm not sure where Rose is coming from with her thoughts from last night. I know she's had issues with spending all of her time with me from the time she was born to the change of being with her Dad almost half the time. And she's told me before that she's had to get used to sharing me with Jeremiah because her Dad and I never had much of a relationship...but this feels different.

Do you have any opinions about the conversation I had with Rosey? Or how I should approach it with her again? Or if I should just not worry about it? Fill me up with some thoughts not my own!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

All about the 29+ Woman and Porn

This post was inspired by the Studio Thirty Plus Magazine Post: All About the 30+ Men by Neilochka. I've also been thinking a lot about censorship and what I should and should not publish on my blog. I reread this post and decided it was a honest and not inflammatory account of my relationship with porn. If you don't want to read about my sex life or read me talking about sex, just don't read this post. Thanks.

Growing up I had mostly all guy friends, so porn was essentially as much a part of my life as it was theirs. Just not in the same way.

I didn’t feel aroused or excited by seeing big fake tits, spread eagle thighs and gaping pee holes. Does that surprise you?

Well, it shouldn’t. I was instantly numb to it all and finally after a few times of shoving a playboy in my face or ‘accidentally’ turning on some D quality porn starring a woman old enough to be our mother, my friends finally gave up trying to shock me and I became even more so then before: one of the guys. Except with banging curves. And much nicer skin. And the squeaky annoying voice was a real ‘girl’ give-away.

Even older and actually engaged in sexual activity I was still bored, for the most part. It was always ‘What do you want me to do?” and “What turns you on?” turning what should be an intimate moment into a light conversation. Looking back on my sexual life before Jeremiah I can’t believe I ever even did it, it all seems like a strange blur, like a thumb smear on the side of a transparency. Sometimes that blur morphs and comes to life, but it's like I’m watching a playback of another person having sex. Someone I don't like that much.

When Jeremiah and I are intimate we’re actually intimate, we do things to each other without talking about it in the moment. We talk about sex so much at other points of our lives, over dinner, on car rides, during movies (bad habit) and often in the morning while he’s getting ready for work. I text him dirty talk at work, sometimes dirty photos, we have dirty mouths and we like to share with each other dirtily.

But when it comes down to business, we’re all business.

So the other day when I accidentally clicked on a porn site (not kidding, really did accidentally click on it) I was all of the sudden brimming with excitement over something not Jeremiah related. There are kids in my house at all times, so I quickly clicked it off, but I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it.

Then I’d cook dinner and think about it some more.

Then I’d put the kids to bed and think about it some more. I wasn’t really horny per se, just thinking about the porn. It was like I couldn’t get it out of my head. I started to get what all those boys and men in my life that I scoffed at were so interested in.

And so at that moment I changed my mind about porn. Maybe it could be interesting and exciting.

So porn, you’re all right by me.

But if I ever catch you with Jeremiah when I’m not 1)sleeping 2)puking 3)feverish 4)menstruating, I’ll never talk to you ever again.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Best Mommy Blogger ryhmes with Best Mommy Frogger!

I just want you guys to know that I'm not quite 30 years old yet. There are approximately 89 days until that day comes. (I say 'approximately' to make it seem like I didn't really pick up my phone, open up the calendar and count out the days to my 30th birthday, cause who would do something like that?)

Regardless of my actual age, I am a member of the highly esteemed Studio Thirty Plus, a website for bloggers who are over thirty and wordy. I think there is a general consensus among some of the snarkier and jerkhead (I'm looking at you Vic, what the hell!?) members that I preformed sexual acts on both Jules and Jerrod (creators of the site) in order to be a member before the age of 30, but this is not true. I did, however, cry and whine a lot and send them hundreds of thousands of threatening text messages in order to claim a spot on their member list.

Depending on how you look a this I'm either adding insult to injury or a excited and proud blogger today because I am nominated for an Boomerang Award on Studio Thirty Plus!!!

In order to capitalize on what I'm sure was a huge mistake, please go and vote for me there....Here is a handy link to the page where you can vote for me as:


In order to further convince you to go there, sign up (if you're not already a member) and vote for me, allow me to show you some examples of my obvious maturity AND my excellent parenting...

Here I am in one of the hats that are on sale at Pageboy shop in the Lawrenceville neighborhood of Pittsburgh PA. I was supposed to get some photos of myself in my hats looking cute and cool in order to promote the shop and my adorable products (available for custom order right now at Ultra Cute Crochet)...instead I decided to mine for some gold, in order to supplement my business output, of course.

My kids were born in a barn. He was happy standing there, and the heat only kicked on 30 times in the 15 minutes I let him stand there with the door open while we were getting ready to go. At least he has a hat on.

I not only knew about, but also participated in the Great Twister Incident of 2010, with jacked up hair. There were several serious injuries...but I gave the injured children pop and cookies at 10 am. They felt much better.

I let these three questionable characters (3 of my 4 younger siblings) around my children on a regular basis.

So since I have shown you my supremacy in all things Best Mommy Bloggerish, please go to Studio Thirty Plus and vote for me!!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Jeremiah is a Hot Hello Kitty!

Tara at Bite The Bedbugs (which is disturbing imagery) wants a teacup piggy. Not one of those random toy piggies but a real live one, which is also disturbing. She animated her discussion about getting a piggy with her husband Arun and I was delighted by it!

So I decided to ask Jeremiah to have an argument with me so I can animate it and put it on my blog. Cause I've never had an original thought in my life.

This is what happened when I asked Jeremiah to have an argument with me:

I'm now seriously considering wearing little yellow bows in my hair all the time. And Jeremiah?! Those overalls are tres chic AND incredibly hot. Boom Chicka Wow Wow!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Quoth Erin, The Cutest Raven

One of my favorite people on the face of the planet (I am unfortunately usually chocked full with countless exaggerations, but in this case I'm being as understated as possible) is Liz from Mean Mama.

A few posts ago she quoted Nathaniel Hawthorne from a letter to his sister referring to his relationship with his wife. I went to the site she found the letter on, read the letter and began to think of all my favorite quotes/letters from famous men. Men hold a dear and near place in my heart, not just because I'm a heterosexual female, but because of the great impact that certain men have made in my life. Despite their faults as human beings, they've moved me in vast ways.

I thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes from men I consider to be great.

Cliche? Yes, it might be! Wise and true? Yes, it certainly is! - "All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost," J.R.R Tolkien

He might not be as well known, and I've faltered when reading some of his work (i.e. Howards End), but he was wise and wise and wise -“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country." E.M. Forster

Strange, trans-morphic, sickly. A man who made a whole new literary style to befuddle hundreds of thousands of 11th grade literature students- "I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." Franz Kafka

I could write about Thoreau for days and days. A smart, well-read man, who loved the world around him so much that he became a hermit on Walden Pond in order to embrace it thoroughly. Immersed, finely executed, hard working and humble. - "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost: that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." Henry David Thoreau

Oddly enough, some of my most remembered quotes were quotes about my favorite author, Henry James. He was elitist, brilliant and well known for his ridiculous long winded nature. He had an unlikely friendship with a much younger Edith Wharton and also Virginia Woolf. Most of his novels/novellas are about Americans traveling or living abroad in Europe and he inspired a whole slew of writers (including Wharton) that began to write on the same subject. I love this quote from Wharton about a moment with Henry James - "Tranquil white clouds hung above it in a windless sky, and the silence and solitude were complete as we sat looking across at the crumbling towers, and at their reflection in a moat starred with water-lilies, and danced over by great blue dragonflies. For a long time no one spoke; then James turned to me and said solemnly: 'Summer afternoon — summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language."

Ironically, James was never involved with a woman. I say ironically because of his complex understanding (which a lot of critics see as misogynist) and involvement in the creation of female characters. Regardless, he liked to conjecture about himself, and like me was definitely prone to exaggeration -"I'm that queer monster the artist, an obstinate finality, an inexhaustible sensibility." Henry James

Finally, I'll end with a quote from the arrogant bastard, James Joyce. I loved him as a child, but the older I get the more fed up I become with him...what is genius and how does one accomplish creating works that contain genius? He's so confusing! -"A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery."

"I've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that's the only way of insuring one's immortality." James Joyce

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! I have new items available at my other site, please go and check it out and share the link!! Ultra Cute Crochet