Bensjammin and My Grandma is Prepped and Ready to Go

OK so my grandma is having some unexpected open heart surgery today and I am strangely calm.

I'm having a hard time thinking and I feel a little bit more irritable than usual, but that might just be because Max spilled a 2 Liter of Gingerale all over the kitchen floor at 6am this morning while trying to chug out of it like "Jeremiah does it...".

My mom got her first digital camera lately and it is kick ass. I've been taking tons of photos with it and keep forgetting to upload them onto my computer. But this weekend I accomplished just that task and now I have a billion photos to post! I'm sure you're all jumping in excitement right now. But hold on to your britches folks!?? (Is that the cliche I'm looking for? I always screw up phrases like that! I'm sure it's a constant amusement to Jeremiah...that his girlfriend is a freaking idiot dolt head.)

Today's post will feature photos of my baby brother Benjamin and the two milestones in his life that have just recently occurred...
Going to prom (with a girl who happens to have giant knockers...that has to be some kind of huge 'SCORE' in teenage boy world, right?)
and
Graduating from High school
AND AWAY WE GO YO! (here's something I noticed while I was uploading these photos. They're the size of Zues's colonoscomy bag...do not click on them or you'll be able to see the pores on my daddy's nose. Or worse yet NOSE HAIRS!! He has extra nose hairs to make up for lack of hair on top of his head)


P.S. The second prom photo features aformentioned Grandma. By the end of this post I'm not feeling better, but feeling guilty instead that I'm not at the hospital with my mom right now. I don't have a babysitter, so I'm with her in my mind....even when I'm changing a shitty diaper or scrubbing a gingeraley kitchen floor.

Flighty Friday

I have some crazy inner turmoil going on today. I'm not sure how to feel about the whole Michael Jackson thing...nor do I know whether I really care all that much.
I do know that when I read this post earlier this morning my brain was unclouded a minute and I was able to see much more clearly.

The only thing that remains from my haze is the fact that the dude was only 50. My dad just turned 50 this December and in no way does it seem like he's close to death. Or that it's even a possibility.

Then again, I had close friends die at 15, 21 and 28...

Ugh! So depressing! Let's move forward before I start to ball like a little baby and confuse the heck out of the children.

This is Jeremiah and my third summer together, isn't that exciting? I was thinking something totally dorky the other day...Wouldn't it be neat if Jeremiah and I wore coordinating outfits? Like, all the time? Wouldn't you want to live near us so you could hang out with all the time and be totally impressed by our cool coordinating duds? I know you would!!!! This photo is what inspired my idea:

See how our shirts don't 'match' per se...but go really well together? Ah-Ha! I made you a believer in my crazy scheme. Join with me children of the blogging world. We will unite together to make a more coordinating world.

READ A BOOK YOU BUM!

Would it surprise you to know that all four of my very different children are watching Ghostbusters 2 in the gameroom right now? Would it also make you scratch your head in wonder that they all seem content and quiet? Elijah is not jumping off furniture, Max isn't yelling at me to get her some type of snack that she's not ever allowed to have ('MOM! CAN I HAVE CANDY NOW???' 'MOM!??!?? CAN YOU GET ME A SIPPY CUP WITH POP IN IT? NOW??!'), Rose isn't bouncing around the room with frenetic energy...

The fact that Olivia is lounging completely comotose and in her underwear doesn't shock me in the least. I used to call her Spike, as in the sleepy dinosaur from The Land Before Time...

The quality of that video is almost too horrible to watch...Sorry.
Olivia may be lethargic and constantly hungry, but she shed the chubby baby weight by age 15 months and has been incredibly long and lean since then. The girls' have very tall relatives on their dad's side including an uncle who's 6'10'' and two aunts over 6'0'', so I'm assuming that they'll be a little taller than average.
Me, on the other hand, not so tall and not growing anymore.

OK, the spell is broken and Max just came in and asked for Chinese food for breakfast. Let the day begin!

Oh, before I get to the excitement, another item of random junk has permeated it's way into someone's blog (and their home).

Mommy is in the Bathroom doesn't seem all that happy with her piece of crap...
I know that she's being tongue in cheek, but just to reiterate, I was going to throw these things away originally... AND they were picked randomly. Once I sent out the envelopes of junk I took the whole bag Rose picked from and put it out in the garbage.

And the other thing, Mommy, how can you be bored?! I'll tell you what I tell everyone who has ever said that phrase around me ever, "READ A FREAKING BOOK YOU BUM!!!"

When I yell that at my kids 75% of them cry and say, "But Momma! I don't know how to read!".

Linkalicious Obsessions

So somewhere out there people are finally starting to get their junk.


I had Rose randomly select small bits of crap (not real crap, come on folks!) from a target bag full of things I was going to throw away and I sent them to fellow Bloggers!

Nancy , Green-Eyed Momster and Unknown Mami posted about their 'gifts'.
I didn't even know what I was sending the Momster, I thought it might be a piece from an old luggage set? It turns out it's a keychain and she loves it. Weird little things happen in this strange universe...


In other news, Prosy hit me with a meme. I'm supposed to list my five current obsessions...but she said it best in her meme, "harder than it sounds because most of my obsessions have to do with food, and I don't want everyone thinking I'm a fatass that only eats all the time, so I worked really hard coming up with non-food items too."

I also noticed that I'm totally unoriginal cause most of my obsessions are the same as Miss. Chiefs... so I have to mix things up a bit.

1: True Blood
Jeremiah and I are so trendy! Holla. Vampires, sex and a who dunnit? We're hooked. We recently had a netflix plan with one movie at a time (instant movies are a reason to live!), and I decided to up it to two, but then Rose insisted I get her Tiny Toons Adventures VOL. 1....
I don't know where she got the idea to get that show, but I think it was on when I was a kid. To each their own, I suppose.

2:Bikes
Jeremiah is like a super rider, for lack of a better term, and I try my damndest to keep up with him....rarely succeeding, keep in mind. I had until recently been riding a Men's beach cruiser two sizes two big for me with the baby seat on the back. The 35 pound 22 month old baby plus the big heavy bike made riding very difficult for me, and Jeremiah always felt like a jerk riding his 5 pound super light super cool road bike while I was toting our child around and sweating like a hog. So Jeremiah, being the prince that he is, custom made me a bike. He found a very old Schwinn Collegiate, put new everything on it...and now I have a awesome fast light (and scary to ride!) bike. I told you Jeremiah is the best ever.

3:Finding the perfect vacation
Jeremiah only has 4 days of vacation left and the days his work gave him off are during the week in July that the girls will be on vacation with their dad. So I've been trying to come up with a beach trip under $500 for Wed.-Sun., preferably in driving distance for two adults and a almost two year old. And it's impossible. I can't pick a beach, can't find a deal...nada.

Ok, let's pretend that Prosy said to list three things I'm currently obsessing over...I hate long posts.

Soo... I'm also supposed to tag people
Kara, Kristine, McPupperson, Vic and Anna. Anna is a for real serious writer folks, so lets just totally waste her time with this meme...

What a beautiful day today! Oops, I forgot to water the flowers last night. Shit.

Oh well, they'll live. Or will they?

Jeremiah and I have netflix delivered and netflix instant movies via Roku Digital Video Player on our beautiful fancy t.v. And yet, with endless movies at our fingertips we still end up flipping back and forth between Anthony Bourdain and Futurama. Then after that hour long excitement and even though I wasn't tired, we went to bed at 11pm and watched Forensic Files.
Can you get much more boring?

It was odd last night, because usually I'm pretty content with our boring evenings. I relax, read, we watch a movie, Jeremiah practices his guitar, it's all pretty nice.

So what was the missing piece last night? I'm considering blaming either the weather or the season in general.
Yesterday was a beautiful day and last night was just as lovely. It makes me feel like I should be on the beach, or hiking, or lying on a raft on a lake...
But to look at the scenario fairly, on vacation Jeremiah and I probably would have ended up watching Bourdain and Bender and Forensic Files restlessly regardless of where we were. Or we would be lying uncomfortably in a very air conditioned hotel room careful not to move unnecessarily due to our third degree sunburn watching Bourdain, Bender and the files of forensicness. It's all relative, I suppose.

Since I still haven't gotten any blog responses to the crap I sent people, I will end this post with a little piece of adorable cuteness, taped this winter.

Happy Father's Day and Lizzie Loo Whoo.

I'll start today's post with a shout out to all the babee's daddee's out there yo!

What I mean is I would like to thank all the fathers in my life...for you know, fathering good and stuff.

To My Daddy:

Thanks for being the best dad ever. It's pretty simple. And even though I wouldn't be who I am today without you, don't blame yourself. ;)
My parents were young parents and I was a huge surprise. Considering that, I think they handled it well and I had a wonderful childhood.

To My Ex:
We don't get along and we made a mess of things, but thanks for my darling girls. And thanks for working with me and sharing their lives. I would have hated to have been separated from either of my parents had they been divorced.

To Jeremiah's Dad, Dave:
You were obviously an excellent dad to have helped inject Jeremiah with such character (and startling good looks). Thank You.

And last, but certainly not least! To Jeremiah, the best man I've ever known, the best Poppa there could ever be:

You've surprised me from the first day you met my daughters, and I know they love you as much as I do (if that's even possible). But what really surprised me was how much you adore our son. I didn't think that any other two people in the world could have a connection like you and I do, but it obviously shows with you and Elijah. Great Job Jeremiah! Happy Father's Day!


And now to end this post. You may or may not remember my threat, I mean promise, to send out random things from a bag of junk I had collected up from around my house. Some brave souls took me up on this offer and I sent out junk the other day.

Liz is the first person to post about said junk, and I was actually touched by her post. She seems like such a good soul and such an honest person, I am honored to count her as one of my blogging friends.

Bored Kids are meaner than Rabid Racoons

The first week of having my kids all to myself and not having to share them with the school system has been a fail so far. Mainly because of the cold rainy conditions, also because of all the cleaning and arranging I've been doing around the house.

Yesterday we went on a walk around the neighborhood and I realized that I hear one phrase from strangers repeated over and over again all the time. I don't usually pay that much attention, just smile and nod my head or make some sort of generic comment...but yesterday it dawned on me the repetition I hear on a daily basis.

So we're coming back up our hill after meandering partway down on this neat labyrinth of overgrown side streets and alleys that we love to walk on and we see two men talking and playing with a puppy on the corner of our street.

The kids go nuts cause we're coming up to this puppy and I'm warily looking at the men. First I notice they look amazingly like sea captains of some sort. You know, like the guys on The Deadliest Catch (which I obsessed over last year!)...long beards, old t-shirts, fanny packs, jeans and work boots. They're both talking very loudly and as we're coming closer I realize the older of the two men has a heavy irish brogue! WHAT?! The kids are suckers for puppies, but I love an accent. It instantly makes the person interesting, regardless of how shady and dirty they first seemed.

We amble up and the man without the accent, and definitely the cleaner looking of the two, but still not to be trusted...no accent duh, says that the kids can pet the puppy. He's a very nice little poodle mix puppy, I'm no fan of animals but it seemed nice enough.
So we start moving forward and the man with the brogue says, 'You've really got your hands full there Missy!" in a gruff and excellent voice.

It was then I realized that I have heard this statement more times than I can count. I guess it would seem that I am 'overwhelmed' by the number of children vs. the number of me. I can see that...and I do realize that this also might be an icebreaker, or a cliche that people use to make polite conversation. Okay.
But that's all every single person making a passing conversation can come up with?

I guess it's better than, "Hey you, lady with all the kids, I'm going to kidnap one of them tomorrow afternoon!"
or
"Hey You! You must like the sex!"
"Lady, can I borrow one of your kids to work in my sweat shop?"
"Hello! A couple more kids won't make a difference eh? I'll bring mine over in a half hour."


On a side note, some people should be receiving their envelopes of junk soon. My mailman missed half of the envelopes, so I'll have to send out the rest today.

I'll Send You Junk, You Post About it! Fun!

Ok Ok Ok! Follow along with this, cause I don't think I'm all that great at being a trend setter and it may get confusing.

Here's the deal:

I'm cleaning out our house and selling a whole bunch of stuff.... and here's the clencher, there's a giant bag of random crap I have no idea what to do with SO here's a summer game we all can play.

You send me your address...don't worry, I'm a totally awesome pillar of the community, and a business type person on the up and up. I won't stalk you, just send you a weird little trinket, possibly covered in child snot or feces (I JOKE! IS JOKE!!! KIDDING!).

Then you take a photo of your item and write a post about it. Then I'll link your post in my daily posts! See!?!?? Fun Fun Fun.

So let's do this, like Brutus!

Jumping Jehosophats!

Do you ever have those dreams where they're just so horrible you feel totally shaken when you wake up? I had one of those this morning and it was just horrendous. I still feel a little bit sick to the stomach actually! UGH!

In my dream Jeremiah left me, completely without warning for this really really really ugly super tall chick. Like SUPER TALL. And they were all making out in front of me with tongue and groping hands. It was seriously something I will have burnt into my mind forever.
And I was yelling in my dream like the sorry sap that I am, "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MY WHOLE LIFE AND YOU END UP RUINING OUR DREAMS WITH SOME UGLY YUCKY PERSON!?"
and then he calmly says, "You drive me nuts." They walk away hand in hand. End Scene, bring on the tears.
I'm hoping this bowl of cheerios and strawberries will cheer me up and if that doesn't work, I bet the coffee will suffice...or the beautiful weather.

I'm going to head to the store today to get some 'outside' crap for the summer. We're saving for a new car right now and probably will be for awhile, so me and the kids are stuck at home a lot while Jeremiah is at work. I'm looking into the whole bus thing, I know there is a bus stop at the end of our street, but someone told me that you have to change buses and be on the bus for an hour before you can change to get to our town's public pool. We could probably walk there in an hour! It would just be one hell of a trek.

So anyone have any suggestions? Right now I'm thinking baby pool, maybe a volleyball net? A sprinkler?
Oh! Squirt Guns! My little brother and I used to play with those for ever. My mom hates guns in every form though, and she'd always be upset that we were shooting each other...even though it was just water.
Or sometimes hot water, just to put a little fear into my snotty brother!
Ah-Ha! Talk That Jehosophat!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Joshy...that's my brother. Otherwise known as Jehosophat, or Phats...which is funny cause my dad calls him Phats most often and Josh has never been even remotely fat. Ironically he was actually negative fact, being that he was like 1 pound 13 ounces at one point.
(Side note: he was born at 26 weeks gestation)

And although I was gentler than most older siblings are with their little brothers, I still tortured him and he still bugged the ever loving shit out of me. We had this one game called beat up dancing. We'd tango down a line and at the end we'd start hitting each other, and then continue tangoing back.
Classy.
I also made him try to smoke a green bean from the back yard garden once.

Wow.

I'll end this strange post on that strange note.

Look Out Dude From Twilight...

If anyone actually paid attention to me they'd be wondering how I'm holding up without my daughters here this week. (They're on vacation with their dad) The answer is, horribly.

I've been moping, not doing the housework I would usually have done in the first hour of the day, making Jeremiah's life a little miserable and calling the girls incessantly, which seems to be annoying both them and their dad. Sorry!

I started thinking about how selfish I am this morning. They're off having a grand time and I'm wishing they were here stuck with me in the house. Cleaning and doing pretty much nothing fun at all. (Sorry Elijah)

Soooo instead of being a whiny mopey turd head, I'm going to instead obsess over the one child that's always stuck with me.

MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NEXT BIG THING, ALREADY A HEART THROB AT 21MONTHS, WAY CUTER THAN THE DUDE FROM TWILIGHT:


ELIJAH CHRISTOPHER!!!!!!!!! AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Tongue In Cheek Thursday (is it Thursday?)

Yesterday I guided you through romance and all that it entails. But because I would feel bad for misleading you, I wanted to mention something to any men that might be reading this blog.

Please don't read yesterday's post and decide that acting like you enjoy those songs or those particular parts of those particular movies is going to help you land a chick.
I would guess that if you went on about how much you loved Moulin Rouge to a date, your chances of scoring with said date are pretty much null. So don't do it. And if it does work, only know that it so the girl can tell all her friends that she got a gay guy to have sex with her. Cause you know that's what all women set out to do on a daily basis...right...

Act aloof, like Jeremiah. He pretends like he hates musicals...yet he is a musician. We all know that musicals are universal and also the epitome of musical genius. So of course he is just pretending not to like them! I know that. Duh.

Or act pissed off, like Jeremiah. He gets so frustrated when I insist that he watch Oklahoma or Annie...we already decided that he is just acting like he hates musicals...so why is he so very upset when I have them on all the time? He doesn't like My Fair Lady? West Side Story? Carousel? Come on!

Or you can throw stuff at the t.v., like Jeremiah. I think I might know what this is about. He's upset that he didn't go into musical theater as a young man...that must be it.

Regardless, maybe I can talk him into watching Moulin Rouge...which he refuses to watch. I know that would be the straw to break the proverbial camel's back...he'd definitely be able to admit to his love of Musicals then and there.

HOORAY for my insight. I'm here to make the world a better place, obviously.

Erin's Guide To Romance

Are there things out there in this world that are totally and completely romantic and excellent to you, but it seems like no one else gets it?

I'll give you some examples:

The Labyrinth! I have seen this movie so many times it's out of control. It was my favorite when I was younger and then since I've been an adult I've forced my children to watch it over and over again and then annoyed them thoroughly while I talked along with all the dialogue and sang along with all of the songs.



Ok Ok, I know everybody loves Star Wars. The only two things I cared about watching Star Wars as a kid were
#1: THE EWOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know people act like they hate these little suckers, but COME ON! We all know that everyone wanted one as a pet and best friend, to live in our houses with us and go to school with us and cuddle with us in our beds.

and

#2: Princess Leia and Hans Solo living happily every after. Every time Luke and Leia were on the screen together I cringed because I knew there was something not right with those two! SISTER LOVER!!!!
Everyone probably knows what scene is coming up



I watched Moulin Rouge over and over again when I was pregnant with Olivia. I used to sing her the whole movie while she was in my tummy. I know I'm a total girl but everytime I hear this song I get a little weepy. I used this clip cause I was engrossed with the Swedish subtitles. I bet Swedish is killer to try to learn.

Biking is For Dorks Too!

This weekend Jeremiah and I met his mother, Grandma T (we started referring to her by this name after coming up with the phrase, "I pity the fool that messes with Grandma T!"...her first name obviously starts with a 'T' in case you were confused FATTY MCPUPPERSON!!! I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!) at a trail about an hour north of us.
I was all prepared to hate being out in the 'wilderness' but it was so breaktakingly beautiful the anxiety of being around bugs, animals and heights didn't even faze me.

What did faze me was the idea that I was going on a bike trek with Jeremiah and Grandma T, both seasoned and tough bike riders. Grandma T rides every week and has gone on super duper, unbelievably long bike expeditions, and Jeremiah was a bike messenger in Pittsburgh for a couple years. If he can ride all over Pittsburgh for eight to ten hours a bike trail isn't going to bother him one little bit.

Also, I had the super heavy beach cruiser with my giant baby on the back of it. Grandma T graciously switched with me for a bit, but I felt like the child I brought into this world was my burden to bear biking style...so I wanted to persevere although my legs felt like jelly and I was covered in more sweat than the ubiquitous whore in church.

So, we go down the trail and to Grandma T's credit, it was very flat and incredibly scenic. We pass the two mile marker and I think, "Two Plus Two equals Four..." we pass the 3 mile marker and Grandma T starts to talk about some trail that is much higher up and you have to go up some crazy steps to get up to it...I'm barely listening cause I'm thinking there's no way I can handle much more biking today. She says that trail is coming up soon though, so I thought the least I could do was try, or look like a candy ass whiner.

At Five Miles we reach the bottom of the steps to go to the second trail...we get up the high steps with the baby and the bikes and at the top it's just amazing. We're on this way high up bridge and the whole Allegheny River is stretched out before us. It was enough that Grandma T said there were many more bridges to come on the trail to entice me to ride another mile. We end up riding 4.5 miles (Grandma T took a turn riding with Elijah) and I was so beat I felt a little delirious. I didn't help that Jeremiah hadn't even broken a sweat and looked super cute and composed still. I was a mess and still can't believe I made it back to our car in one piece, let alone able to walk and talk.
And now onto the photos of the beautiful bike trail and said Mess!

Significantly Boring Sunday (with photos!)

I snapped these photos of Liv (and Max) to capture what Olivia's hair looks like when she goes to bed with wet hair. I had to spray it with the anti-frizz stuff just to get it into two pigtails instead of four or five.



Elijah has multiple personalities, obviously. I'm trying to remember what he was trying to get from me making that frowny face in the second photo. I know that in the first he was laughing at Olivia's BumbleBee* song.


*Bringing Home my baby BumbleBee
Won't My Momma be so proud of me
I'm Bringing home my baby Bumble..
Ouch It STUNG ME!
I'm Smooshing Up my baby BumbleBee
Won't My Momma be so proud of me
I'm smooshing up my baby Bumble...
Ohhhh I'm all sticky!
I'm licking up my baby Bumblebee
Won't My Momma be so proud of me
I'm licking up my baby Bumble...
Yuckkkk I'm feeling sick
I'm Puking up my baby Bumblebee
Won't My Momma be so proud of me
I'm Puking up my baby Bumble...
OHHHH what a MESS!
I'm Cleaning up my baby Bumblebee
Won't My Momma be so proud of me
I'm Cleaning up my baby BumbleBee!
ALL CLEAN!!!!!!

My Banner Waits In The Van

You may or may not have noticed that I have a new banner up there! My friend made me a few and I'm trying this one out. I think I look like a total dweeb, but I always think I look weird or silly in photos, so I can't judge.

What do you think?

In other news...

My daughters are going on 'vacation' with their dad. We both get two ten day 'vacations' during the summer, which is cool cause he gets weekdays that he usually wouldn't get and I get a couple weekends!!!
The downside to this arrangement is that Elijah doesn't get to see his sisters for ten days and that I have to find ways to keep him active and happy in the interim. I know that it's been only six years since I've had an only child...but it seems like a daunting task!

I'll have so much time with him in the next ten days that his sisters will come back and he'll be able to read, tap dance and luge. You all know what luging is! Don't act like you don't. It's very popular in Western PA, don't you know?

And if you have read down this far through all of my nonsense and drivel, you deserve a prize!
Go read my 'friend'* Kristine's blog. She's funny and really needs alot more attention than I can supply. She's one of 'those' people...you know. Just smile, read her blog and give her a comment. That and the meds are all she needs to get by...and money...and a unopened bag of jelly beans to molest...and cats (which is strange).

*I always put parentheses around 'friend' in blog world because it's really all a popularity contest and I don't want to assume that anyone is actually my real friend...cause they'll cut me.
Wait, that doesn't sound right saying it like that. "I'll cut you!" sounds right, but "They'll cut me" sounds all wrong....WHY!

Throw Up Thursday!

Instant Karma just gave Olivia a big smack in the ass cause today she has a stomach ache. I have a message for whoever is in charge of karma:

Please dispense punishments that only punish the child, not the mother also. I didn't hide the garsh darn keys. Now I feel guilty...I'll have to go and lay with her all day and read to her, the other kids will have to fend for themselves.


So in honor of Throw Up Thursday here are a few funny photos of Jeremiah. He won't notice this post until later in the evening, or very possibly not till tomorrow night!
Then he'll yell "Erin! What the F!?!???" super loud and come at me and act like he's all mad, but really he thinks I'm incredibly cute. He might even kiss me a bunch and smile all giant at me all night.

Or he won't talk to me.

Hmmm...should I reconsider this post?

Devil's Minion or Angel Baby?

My daughter Olivia is showing signs of blatant satanic possession...

She's oddly Anti-Fat, not caring if she's hurting feelings or just being a total mini-jerk.

Then to top this new super bad-kid attitude, she pulls super mean trick on her paternal grandmother, who cares for her every Monday at her dad's house...

...follow me, dear reader, into Olivia's world:

My three daughter's stay at their dad's house every Friday-Sunday night and come home to Jeremiah and I on Monday evening. We go to pick up Olivia and Max at their dad's house Monday and Max informs us that Olivia got in some weally big twouble. Olive is usually very quiet when she gets in trouble, silently brooding for a while, so I didn't think of interrogating her about what she did to get in 'really big trouble'. It doesn't really matter much what she did to get into this trouble, just suffice to say she was up shit crick without a paddle with her grandma.

When we got home there was a message from the girls' grandma on the phone. Her keys were missing and she thinks Olivia or Max did something with them. Can I ask them and call her back. Both girls barely acknowledge my questioning, both sure they have no idea where the keys are. I called the grandma back, informed her of this and though she was sure one of them had done something with them, we left it at that.

Their dad calls a half hour later, asks to talk to the girls, gets the same response. I talk to them again, neither one has any idea where they are...but lo an behold now Olivia suddenly remembers seeing them...

"somewhere, mom..."

but she has no idea where, nor did she touch them.

"Olivia, are you sure?"

"YEP SURE MOMMA." She even strokes my face and smiles. What a sweet girl!

Another half hour later their dad calls again. " I really don't want to bother you again Erin, but my mom can't find her keys anywhere. She's sure that one of the girls did something with them, can I talk to Max again?"

(Of course Max is at fault, poor misunderstood Max...)

This time he doesn't even talk to Olive. It's after I hang up the phone that she is finally looking worried.

"Olivia, your grandma has been looking for her keys now at your dad's house for an hour and a half! I'm sure she has to go home to feed her cat!" (Olivia might hate fats, but she loves cats)

"Okay Momma. They're behind Rose's bed."

I made her call her dad and tell him. She listened without any emotion on her face, apologized and hung up. The consensus is that she was mad at getting time out so she hid her grandma's keys...

AND EVERYONE'S 'OKAY' WITH THAT???

Don't Call it A Comeback!

Dear Miss Trodo...You Filthy Dork Wanna Be,

I say Filthy Dork Wanna Be in place of Filthy Whore because I want my response to your open letter to be snarky but not down right offensive. And also because I don't know if you're dirty or slutty but I do know that you are totally a Dork Wanna Be, so let's leave it at that.

First off, animals are gross. And now that we've established that simple fact get this: Porn-Star Dogs take the cake in the grossness factor cake competition... I don't want to go into how yucky even talking about Dogs and Porn in the same mini-paragraph has made me feel.
I need to go to my safe place.

BUT FIRST!

I don't see anything wrong with sending my children to school in cat skins. Have you ever seen how many stray cats there are!?? They can be put to good use...and through that avenue my skills as a hunter/animal hide tanner/seamstress come quite in handy!

Regarding a free hat, I would be more than happy to send you one! Send me your address and I'll work up that ultra-cute hat and scarf set right away and get it out to you as soon as humanly possible. When you get the package and it smells alarmingly like dead animal, please ignore the smell rip open the package to recieve your tanned cat skin toga...

I mean adorable handmade hat/scarf set.

Love,
Dorky Erin

P.S. The new Panic Room open letter was nowhere as tongue in cheek as the open letter to me! You're kissing his blog ass! Shameless.