Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thankful I'm Here to Clean Up Your Puke

I’m a pretty sappy person by nature, so I could easily tell you all about how thankful I am that all of my kids are healthy, that my parents are so awesome and that Jeremiah is a super good kisser.

But in reality, there are some things I’m more thankful for than others…

I’m thankful that I don’t have humungous Triple E sized knockers, like one of those freak eggs on legs. If you are of this body type I’m just kidding…I don’t think you’re a freak. I’m just glad I’m not you.

I’m thankful that I don’t have to go to work everyday. Mainly because I enjoy spending time at home with my children but otherwise for this reason: I don’t have to deal with all the ridiculous assholes out there in the world. And more importantly, I don’t have to shower all that often.

I’m thankful that Jeremiah doesn’t like country music. This one is self explanatory.

I’m thankful that my neighbors are just pot dealers and not heroine dealers. There’s a whole bunch of shady types over there, but at least they’re middle age hippy shady types and not 19 year old kill their own mother for a hit shady types.

I’m thankful that my parents taught me how to swear. Fuck yah mom! This blog post is the shit daddy!

I’m thankful I had the judiciousness of mind to become a vegetarian. When Jesus comes back here and is totally pissed at all you bogus carnivores, my vegetable eating ass is going to be seated at the right hand and you’ll be working in a purgatorial meat packaging plant for all of eternity. :)

I’m thankful for my selective memory. I can remember all the fun times, hanging out with the coolest people, doing exciting things…but I can’t remember all the horribly embarrassing moments. Like the time I wrote a poem about Eddie Vedder giving me chills on UnPlugged and my baby brother gave it to my mom and she read it to all my aunts. Or the time that I supposedly farted all night in the same room that Jeremiah stayed up playing guitar in. He claims it was very stinky and also hilarious. I don’t remember that.

But most of all I’m thankful for Maxine Jane. I awoke in the dead of night to find her, once again, inches away, waking me from my sweet repose. She was gazing most intently at me, not saying a word. I thought the night was going to go the way of so many others, except this time she burped right in my face. As I started to protest loudly she vomited, right onto the space usually occupied by Jeremiah. Then she laughed a tiny gleeful giggle, ran back to her room and jumped into her clean, unvomited bed. I went in and asked her if she was ok, if her stomach was upset. She told me she felt ‘much better now’ and snuggled down in the warm covers to slumber away while I trudged unhappily off to clean up the vomitus mess she had made of my sleeping area.

I’m so thankful that I’m here to clean up your puke Max. I’m even more thankful that I have you to puke on me.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone (but not you, bottom basement stair who made me fall flat on my ass this morning)!


Prosy said...

Max is hilarious..."I feel much better now!"
she's like a little demon child, but so cute!

Anonymous said...

Cussing, FUCK YEAH! And I'm thankful Hubby isn't into country too!

But I'm gonna say NO to the puke. But I'm thankful that it's you.

I love your list...Triple E sized.....

Happy Thanksgiving!

Mwa said...

I was laughing so much at the boobs, the vegetarian Jesus and the vomiting. Too funny.

I had an F for a bit when I was breastfeeding, and I just kept giggling at myself, but also I was too embarrassed to cater to them, so I bought an E, which was the maximum embarrassment I could stand. Thank fuck I'm back to a C. (From a B, so fine.)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

So your aunts get to hear your Eddie Vedder poem and we don't? That's total bullshit, you know.

Happy frekin Thanksgiving.

Sam said...

Your sentimental soul brings a little tear to me eye.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Constructive Attitude said...

I'm so jealous that you dont go to work everyday

michelle said...

This was a breath of fresh non-vomity air after all the sappy Thanksgiving posts. Mine included. Ha ha.

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving!

Unknown Mami said...

Nothing like being woken up to witness vomiting. Good times.

Madame DeFarge said...

An interesting list to say the least!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Loved this post. You crack me up.

kara said...

when the end of the world comes, the vegetarians will be eaten first.

-Abe Lincoln

happy thanksgiving!