Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Do you Understand the Words that are Coming Out Of My Mouth??

Words I love come out of my childrens’ mouths. Words that make me cringe are formed on their delicate tongues. Words that surprise and amaze me flow from the box that works overtime in their shallow chests.

“Mommma. Look at my boobies!”

Maxine hoists up two balls she has stuffed into her shirt. She looks so ludicrous I can’t help but laugh. This eggs her on.

“MOOMMMAMAMA…I have big boobies.”

I finally scrape the amusement off of my face.

“Maxine. When you’re a little older your chest will be your private area, for you only. So it’s not really funny to talk about having boobies.”

Rose yells from the next room:

“PLUS MAX! Mom has big boobs and she’s constantly complaining how much they make her back hurt!”


Max is upstairs getting her Pjs on. Elijah and I are downstairs on the front room’s couch and I’m helping him get into his Pjs.

I hear Max grunting and struggling upstairs: “What the….what the…hey…why….”

“Maxine Baby. Do you need help?”

“I think so.”

“OK, just bring your stuff down here and I’ll help you.”

“Wait, I think I’ve got it. I just have to get this leg right side in and this arm out of the leg that’s upside right.” She’s talking to herself in hushed and thoughtful tones.

I stifle my laughter and continue dressing Elijah. Max hops down the stairs a few moments later.

“See Momma? That was just like eating cake.”


Olivia has had a strange shift lately from emotionally inept crater to queen of over sensitivity.
Jeremiah’s grandmum passed away on a weekend and the girls’ dad was nice enough to keep them for Monday night, Tuesday and Wednesday. When they got back I explained to Max and Olivia why they had stayed with their dad. Olivia looks at me confused , her mouth full of questions of what I assume to be morbid in nature. Instead her eyes well up in tears.

“Olive, maybe it would be nice to give Jeremiah a hug.”

She runs out of the room and into Jeremiah’s arms. She breaks down and sobs....loudly.

“It’s just sooooo sad. Is she really dead?” and on and on like that. When she finally calms down and then whole minutes later her usual self flickers brightly across her freckled and dimpled face.

“Did you get to see her body?”


Rose and I were discussing where we were going for Thanksgiving this year while in our kitchen. She was watching me do the dinner dishes and asking a million questions.

“Well Mom. If daddy isn’t picking us up till bedtime where are we going to eat Thanksgiving dinner?”

“Well Rose. Either we’ll have it here at our house and grandma, pappy and your aunts and uncles will come here or grandma will have it at her house and we’ll all go up there.”

“Oh. Well Mom. You’re a really good cook and everything….but I definitely think Grandma should cook.”

“Oh. Well Rose. I’ll take that into consideration.”

She slinks out of the kitchen into the dining room and I overhear her frantically whispering to Olivia.

“Liv…you have to go in there and tell momma that we should go to grandma’s for Thanksgiving dinner. You know mom won’t use butter and she probably won’t even cook a TURKEY cause Liv…liv are you even listening??! Liv. Turkey is meat!…just tell momma that you miss grandma and want to go to her house for Thanksgiving.”

Olivia runs into the kitchen.

“Mom! Rosey says you’re not going to let us go to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving AND that you’re not making a turkey!”

Rose yells from the dining room: “LIV!”

Liv runs back into the dining room before I can counter her claims. She and Rose saunter back into the kitchen a few moments later, in serious gang formation with the scowls to accompany their obviously intent nature.

Rose speaks first, Intervention style:
“If you don’t make turkey for dinner on Thanksgiving Olivia and I are going to be very upset. We understand that you like not eating turkey, but we like turkey.”

This from the children whose vegetarian mother made them hot wings for dinner.


marcia furman said...

AHAhaha!!! Good times.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

A meatervention! I love those girls!

I'm a big fan of the round-objects-under-shirt trick. Balloons work best, they stick to the fabric better.

otherworldlyone said...

I don't get it. The kid talks about 'boobies' all the time. Children are so weird.

Very funny, Erin.

mo.stoneskin said...

Constantly complaining huh? Constantly?

erin said...

Marcia: It's hard as heck not to just laugh at everything they say. But then I'm afraid they'll think I'm making fun of them.

Becks (No Posh): Eat Meat or Die Mom Bitch!

ALigatory: boobies make the world spin round. spin me right round boobies...

Mo: Actually, I never ever complain about anything ever. Ever.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That title is from an old Cosby episode, no?

Logical Libby said...

She really asked about the body? You are in so much trouble when she is a teen...

Ms. Moon said...

A friend of mine had a son who at about the age of five informed her that his penis was a "hugie."
I am still laughing about that one.

Sam said...

From the mouths of babes. ;) it bad that Jarrah and I both make jokes about boobies and then snicker about them?

Who's the big sister around here, anyway? :)

miss. chief said...

I have no idea how you are vegetarian and your kids aren't. That's crazy! How do you not barf when you make chicken wings?

erin said...

Becky: It could be from the cosby show but I got it from Rush Hour (Chris Tucker says it to Jackie Chan).

Libby: Olivia is super morbid. Super.

Ms. Moon: We call Elijah's penis his wee-wee. It annoys my mom to no end. She says it's a 'dinky'. "Get it right, Erin...weewee...what the heck is that?"

Sammy: I guess we could have had a good laugh about boobies...I just erred on the side of caution. Did I say that right?

Miss Chief: I don't 'handle' the meat very often, but I make meat dishes for them 50% of the time. For example we had spinach enchiladas on Monday, wings last night, tonight we're having meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy and steamed veggies, Thursday frozen veggie pasta and garlic bread and friday we'll probably order pizza. Voila. I don't like to eat meat, but after changing diapers and cleaning up vomit for almost ten years dumping some chicken wings into a pan and baking them isn't a big deal.

Mwa said...

I'm always trying to let the kids talk about their bits if they feel the urge, but I'm never even sure what names to use. I try the adult ones, but they seem so adult, and the children's ones are yucky. Tricky one.

John Pender said...

I love your kids. That last story was too funny.

mylittlebecky said...

no BUTTER? shocking! those poor, deprived children. poor, deprived, hilarious children. i loved the cake comment the best! :)

kara said...

you make hot wings from scratch? can you put them up in your etsy store?

speaking of which...i need to order again soon.

J. said...

I wish I could show you the picture that my mom has of my little sister when she was about 6. she is wearing a swim suit and has enormous water balloons as boobs. It's disturbingly funny.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

The kids always want what they don't normally have, food-wise, don't they?
I know I did, growing up. My folks were big meat eaters, and I had cheese pizza at a friend's house and thought that was so exotic. Laugh.

diane said...

These are all great, I don't have a favorite. The meatervention was awesome though.

My grand daughter can't pronounce ticklish, she says cherish. So when I tickle her, she laughs and says "I cherish". And I say "You sure are honey".

Maggie May said...

boooobies! great conversation :)

- i did see Dear Zachary, by the way (regarding your last comment on my blog) and actually did a blog post on it. It is amazing and one of the saddest stories I've ever heard. those poor parents.

Madame DeFarge said...

Very funny.It must be hard to maintain a 'parent face when they say some of this stuff. How do you stop laughing?

Unknown Mami said...

Damn Girl, can you come over here and make me some hot wings? I promise not to make you look at my boobies.

Anonymous said...

Hot wings ARE NOT turkey. AND they like turkey.