Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Giants of The Diaper Aisle

It's been established here at Blogging is For Dorks that everyone hates me.

No one wants to be my friend.

Waiters hate me.

Random Strangers Despise Me and My Children.

But did you know that I am also offensive to Walmart Trash?

I know what you're thinking, Erin, Dear Dear Erin, why even enter a Walmart to begin with?

This might come as a surprise to some people, but I am Freaking Lazy. We needed diapers, socks and groceries so to Walmart we went.

Open entering the mammoth warehouse I realized that this decision might have been the worst of my entire life. The whole place was crammed with peoples, shopping, talking and some just milling around in a strange zombie like fashion. What are all these souls doing inside a Walmart on an absolutely beautiful Tuesday afternoon? It was so nice outside yesterday it actually pained me to enter the doors of that building, let alone hang out there all day long.

My plans for a quick in and out (that's what she said) were dashed upon the walmart concrete like so many beaten in craniums with spilling brains upon entering the establishment, but I decided to not let it get to me or Max and Elijah.

Back to the baby section we went, actually wading through the masses of people. I felt like I was saying 'Excuse Me' continually as we made our way to the back of the store. Most people moved semi-courteously out of our way and since we were the only people in the area who seemed to have any purpose or plan, I got some strange looks.

Finally we got back to the diaper area. The aisle was filled with a family of large and scantily clad women. By large I mean their proportions matched those of the mammoth shopping complex and by scantily clad I mean each of the four women crammed into the diaper aisle seemed to be in various stages of undress. The oldest of the four (which I discerned from her graying greasy hair) was wearing a neon pink tube top (OF COURSE SHE WAS) and cut off leggings. By cut off I mean either a cat ripped them up or her three year old grandchild used scissors on them. She was discussing why the next oldest supersized beast didn't get her childrens father's 'ass into court for that money' because she owed her 'pappy cash for the trailer court rental'. (Not kidding)

The two other women were younger and obviously along for some sort of moral support. The tallest of the four (and they were all pretty tall) was no less than 6 foot and was actually wearing an orange terry cloth romper. The kind that you put on your two year old after she swims at the pool? The kind I wore in the 80's? Yeah, you know what I'm talking aware that this giant woman was wearing one. Now laugh.

I was instantly and oddly intimidated by my proximity to them.

After it became increasingly obvious that none of them was planning on vacating the premises, I knew I had to somehow squeeze past them. And preferably without touching any of them, or arousing their attentions.

The aisle was too long to park at one end and leave Maxine and Elijah in the cart while I dashed and grabbed. I soon tired of thinking so much about this and also got pretty pissed at myself for being such a chicken.

I just pushed the cart right into their midst and bravely said,

"Excuse Me, I just need to grab some diapers..."

Nobody moved. Like animals, they must have sensed my timidity.

And then the words that will ring in my head for life immortal:

"No, 'Cuse Me, Bitch!" The one who was getting admonished by her mother (?) was looking right at me. I had the urge to flee, not kidding. But somehow, some way, I instead said.

"Ok." and stood my ground, smiling up at The Giants of The Diaper Aisle.

Romper girl and her companion moved to one side. The two oldest followed suit. I pushed the cart and my children through the small space provided by the behemoths and quickly located the Huggies Supreme Size 6's (Elijah better be potty trained soon).

As I begin to flee, I hear behind me:

"I wonder where she got that top? It's real cute."


otherworldlyone said...

Erin, dear. The woman called you a bitch in front of your children and you said, "Ok."?

Sigh. I guess I do have more redneck in me than I like to admit, because if that had been me... GIRLFIGHT! Or at least a verbal confrontation in which I tell her exactly how unintelligent she is in words that are just as good as any right hook to the jaw.

Fucking Wal-Mart. Ugh.

marcia furman said...

oh goshhhhhhh... the specimen in walmart never cease to amaze me.

Colleen said...

Erin, you disturbed these peace-loving Goliaths to access diapers for your children? You really are a bitch.

By the way, have you ever seen I've never been to a Walmart (okay, maybe once on a fall break service trip to Mississippi) but it's because of this website that I know exactly who you're talking about.

Tina H said...

You should have taken and picture and sent it in to!! If you have never seen that website, ya need to go and check it out!

As for what they said.. I think you did wonderful!! You stood your groud. I am proud of you!!!

Logical Libby said...

I think Walmart imports those people in order to make the experience authentic. You know, like the princesses at Disneyland.

The fact she swore at you is like getting a picture with Snow White herself.

April said...

I think Walmart must be where these people go to socialize. I mean, really, do you ever seen them anywhere else? I didn't think so.

(I'm totally about to cross the line here...)

I imagine this is the life The Giants have...

HOME- Trailer park
WORK- Welfare office (could be substituted with Unemployment office)

There, now people will hate me instead of you. You're welcome.

Angela Christensen said...

If you haven't seen "Idiocracy" put it on your NetFlix list, and watch it after the kids are in bed. There's no better send-up of WalMart/Sams/Costco in the world.

I've already dedicated one post to your kids because I think they're wonderful and some awful woman walked RIGHT by them, with dogs, without stopping. But I'm afraid to start on WalMart/Sams/Costco...I think I might not be able to stop. :)

Cbellabell said...

This was awesome! We live abroad, and every time we go to the States we seem to end up in a Walmart with exactly that family. It's the worst culture shock you can imagine, especially for my kids, who have lots of questions about how people end up like that.I just tell them it's an incurable condition.

lizzie lou said...

what the hell is it about walmart? i very rarely go there (i go to target instead, just as evil but somehow...classier?), but when i do i walk out feeling really really bad about humanity. every time.

Anonymous said...

Why would you go to Walmart??? Walmart is trashy. Nobody good goes there. Seriously. Plus they are HORRIBLE to their employees.

AND not everyone hates you. Go look at your picture that I sent you.


I like you.

Ms. Moon said...

I just want to say that this made me chuckle. Knowingly.

Tony said...

I've only been to Walmart once in my life, and I literally felt a piece of my soul being sucked out. And their prices aren't that low...

miss. chief said...

What the crap? It's just not worth it, man, it's not worth the trauma. It takes me a full day to recover from a walmart excursion.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You are so much braver than I am, you're almost intimidating.

*fake shoulder thrust*

I said almost, sucka.

Amanda said...

I would say that I don't understand why people are like this, but I do. It's walmart. It's like panic attack central. And you know what? damnit if every single time I do, there is a person just like that standing exactly where I need to look. Never fails.

BA said...

I have found that at the Walmart by me (not that I go that often)the people are pretty nice, but are still fashionably challenged.