I have some shocking information that I would like to share with everyone today. Brace yourselves because this is really going to come as a surprise to a lot (all) of you:
I have no friends.
See? Shocking Indeed.
I have come up with a couple reasons why someone as utterly delightful as me has no real friends to speak of.
1.I'm not utterly delightful.
2.I smell bad.
3. My kids are not utterly delightful either.
4.I don't drink.
I think #1. pretty much encompasses everything that has anything to do with my personality or lack of one.
I just threw #2 in there for levity. I don't smell bad. Well...I do probably smell not good right at this very moment. But not necessarily bad.
The kids thing, #3, is a hard one to pin down. I understand that some people don't want to hang out with kids all the time. I know I don't (ha). But we don't have to hang out with my kids. We can talk on the phone (about the kids), go shopping (for the kids), go out to eat (while I worry about leaving the kids)...
So by the time I get to #4 with a new potential friend, I'm screwed. Even after I explain it's a personal choice and that I'm not going to go all teetotaler on them, their interest in me has definitely has waned.
I think Jeremiah might be offended by this post, considering he is a my best friend and seems interested enough in me to pledge his life to me. That's a start. But what about some chicks, man?
Someone to tell me that the sneakers I bought on Monday are totally cute. (They are mountain hikey type things that Jeremiah bought me for long walks with the kids and riding my bike. They are mainly khaki in color but have the most adorable pale yellow trim...I love them)
Someone to tell me that I should go get my hair cut. I deserve it. Or that I shouldn't get my hair cut because an almost 29 year old mother of four who only wears her hair in pigtails is awesome and hipster and not at all sad and style-less.
Someone to give me dinner suggestions other than Rosey (hot wings), Olivia (pierogies), Maxine (candy), Elijah (treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttsssssssssss) or Jeremiah ( I don't care, babe...whatever you feel like making).
Someone to shop with. This one is super important. Jeremiah and Elijah are not the best shopping companions. And by not the best I mean that they are the absolute worst shopping companions in the history of shopping. I love cute printed P.J.s and t-shirts for the kids, I could look at them for hours. Jeremiah, on the other hand, loses patience with shopping within milliseconds of entering the store. My life is so sad.
Someone to talk to about how good looking and excellent Jeremiah is. Every time I give him compliments he ungraciously rolls his eyes at me OR even worse, accuses me of being insincere. I get upset at this (internally of course, passive aggressive 101) because I just like to tell him what's on my mind. And he is usually on my mind.
I should start taking applications for new friends and then write about the candidates once a week on this blog. Can't you just see my facebook status now?:
"is looking for a female companion. Please send me a message if you are interested...and willing for me to rip you into pieces on my blog...read by hundreds."