Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Single (Not Really), White, Female

I have some shocking information that I would like to share with everyone today. Brace yourselves because this is really going to come as a surprise to a lot (all) of you:

I have no friends.

See? Shocking Indeed.

I have come up with a couple reasons why someone as utterly delightful as me has no real friends to speak of.

1.I'm not utterly delightful.

2.I smell bad.

3. My kids are not utterly delightful either.

4.I don't drink.

I think #1. pretty much encompasses everything that has anything to do with my personality or lack of one.

I just threw #2 in there for levity. I don't smell bad. Well...I do probably smell not good right at this very moment. But not necessarily bad.

The kids thing, #3, is a hard one to pin down. I understand that some people don't want to hang out with kids all the time. I know I don't (ha). But we don't have to hang out with my kids. We can talk on the phone (about the kids), go shopping (for the kids), go out to eat (while I worry about leaving the kids)...

So by the time I get to #4 with a new potential friend, I'm screwed. Even after I explain it's a personal choice and that I'm not going to go all teetotaler on them, their interest in me has definitely has waned.

I think Jeremiah might be offended by this post, considering he is a my best friend and seems interested enough in me to pledge his life to me. That's a start. But what about some chicks, man?

Someone to tell me that the sneakers I bought on Monday are totally cute. (They are mountain hikey type things that Jeremiah bought me for long walks with the kids and riding my bike. They are mainly khaki in color but have the most adorable pale yellow trim...I love them)

Someone to tell me that I should go get my hair cut. I deserve it. Or that I shouldn't get my hair cut because an almost 29 year old mother of four who only wears her hair in pigtails is awesome and hipster and not at all sad and style-less.

Someone to give me dinner suggestions other than Rosey (hot wings), Olivia (pierogies), Maxine (candy), Elijah (treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttttsssssssssss) or Jeremiah ( I don't care, babe...whatever you feel like making).

Someone to shop with. This one is super important. Jeremiah and Elijah are not the best shopping companions. And by not the best I mean that they are the absolute worst shopping companions in the history of shopping. I love cute printed P.J.s and t-shirts for the kids, I could look at them for hours. Jeremiah, on the other hand, loses patience with shopping within milliseconds of entering the store. My life is so sad.

Someone to talk to about how good looking and excellent Jeremiah is. Every time I give him compliments he ungraciously rolls his eyes at me OR even worse, accuses me of being insincere. I get upset at this (internally of course, passive aggressive 101) because I just like to tell him what's on my mind. And he is usually on my mind.

I should start taking applications for new friends and then write about the candidates once a week on this blog. Can't you just see my facebook status now?:

"is looking for a female companion. Please send me a message if you are interested...and willing for me to rip you into pieces on my blog...read by hundreds."


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'll be your friend, Erin. I'm not very delightful either. My friends are scared of me, I think. What's that about?

Seriously, what's that about?

Answer me dammit!!!


Vic said...

I could have written this post. Except for the pigtails and the Jeremiah part, and when I ask about dinner, my daughter always says "let's just go out!" and my son says, "no way! I'd have to put on pants!"

I left work today feeling like there was a target on my forehead.

So, we're short on delightful here too. Can I be your friend?

writer.elh@gmail.com said...

I understand your dilemma. I am also without friends, for the same reasons (except I smell delightful). I think having kids is a turnoff for single women out there, especially if they like to drink and you don't.

I think your posts are delightful, so how bad can you be? ;)
You can be my friend.

Tony said...

Whoa...women talk about recipes on their free time? I suppose that makes sense, because Merkin cooks me all these fancy things from time to time. Speaking of pierogies, Merkin made some last week, and prior to that, I didn't know what they were. They're delicious! Olivia knows her stuff!

And I have a gay friend named David who would do all those girly things with you. Would you be down with having a gay friend? Or I could let you borrow Merkin...but every other weekend. She could be your friend!

Logical Libby said...

I drink, and I would say that is not the first thing I look for in a friend. Now, someone who doesn't smell? That is definitely important.

To be serious though, I think it's hard to make friends once you are over 25 and spend most of your time with people who don't have graham cracker in their hair...

Steve E said...

Well, I do have a few friends who you could rent, borrow...or lease. Of course none of them drink, because we all go to AA meetings together.

But they are HAPPY peeps, and love to shop....

Amanda said...

I'll be your friend. I'd be your friend in like 2 seconds. Because I also have no friends because I'm super awkward in social situations. I avoid them at all costs. My best friend is my husband and he does nothing but watch sports all day and then I have to beg for his attention and he won't tell me when things are cute, either.

We can just hang out and be not delightful and socially anxious together.

mylittlebecky said...

hell. yessss. me too! i dunno what to do about it. an excellent girlfriend is on my beckit list that i'm posting soon. like a really great, awesome friend who just knows. ya know? i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

you *are* delightful.

Anonymous said...

I like candy. And wings.

lizzie lou said...

damn it, erin. move to maine. i am old enough to have babysat you in elementary school, but i know we'd be real life friends. i don't drink either, and it's so awkward to explain that in a way that conveys "but i'm fun and silly and YOU can drink, i don't care, i'm not THAT kind of non-drinker, etc." hate that. seriously, if i lived nearby, i'd show up at your house tomorrow.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

If I lived near you, you'd be my friend. Damn geography!

Sam said...

Luckily you have a super-cool big sister who will always shop with you and hang with you even if she can't persuade you to try one of her lemonade martinis. :)

otherworldlyone said...

I'd be your friend, but I doubt you'd want to be mine. Sniff.

But seriously...if you want to meet some girlfriends I'm sure there's some kind of group you could join. Something to do with crochet or a book club? Or the moms of other children your kids go to school with? (I know, but sometimes you just have to suck it up.)

I'll tell you this...the older I get, the pickier I've become. It's a wonder anyone wants to be around my crotchety ass at all.

kara said...

i need to see a picture of those shoes before i can make any sort of friendly friendship overture.

also - my boyfriend doesn't drink and i'm keeping him. there's a lot to love about non-judgmental non-imbibers.

Mwa said...

Well, you know I have exactly the same problem. We should totally be friends. And I am so patient when I shop! The alcohol thing - so not a problem for another year or so, until I start weaning. So yay! Move over here!

Ally said...

You lie, dude. You have 137 friends on Blogger. Now you just need to figure out who lives the closest to you :)

I can totally relate to your non-drinking thing. I don't either and am married, my two closest friends here now are unmarried and hit the club and bar scene. I'm closer to 40 than 30. Been there done that. Ya know?


Powdered Toast Man said...

I don't have any friends either. Most of my friends live out of state or too far to see on a regular basis. My best friend is in the Marines and another is in prison.

My friends are here in the blogosphere, I wish I could meet some of them.

Angela Christensen said...

Okay, I'll give you that you're not surrounded by people who share your geography. But your virtual pal-ship, BFF-ship, Sincere Admirers Who Are Not Whack Jobs, etc., is pretty damn considerable. Look at yourself. Look at your followers. I'd hazard a guess that most of us consider ourselves your friend, or aspire to that honor. Or is it just me?

Unknown Mami said...

I've gone through friendless phases in my life and I resort to the imaginary kind. They are low maintenance and let me talk about whatever I want.