Tuesday, May 25, 2010

In Which My Life is Threatened Outright

Have you ever been hated by someone?

I mean really, venomously hated?

I'm not sure that I have before recently. In friendships I usually bail once I sense any drama a-brewing. Which has been tough considering some women and a rather large number of men are vessels filled and overflowing with drama.

I received an email from the girlfriend of a friend of ours yesterday. Our friend is from a neighboring city and had stayed with us for a get-together Saturday night and then a fishing/hiking type excursion Sunday afternoon. (A bunch of glorious outside time AND tons of exercise followed by us ordering take out that night and literally stuffing our faces.) His relationship with aforementioned girlfriend is in shambles, but because of their years together and their joint attempts at recovery from addiction, he feels the need to stay with her, regardless of her disgusting and disturbing behavior.

If you are not used to reading foul language, and if you don't want to be outright offended by someone's abusing me outright, please do not continue reading.

You might question why I chose to post this...and I honestly can't answer you. I felt like embarrassing the living hell out of this crazy bitch, I felt like outing her in a public arena and mainly I wanted to hear some sort of outrage at these words that were actually directed at me. Maybe I'm still in shock.

I edited the name of our town out of the missive and changed it to 'Egypt', cause I can. The original email is in italics, my 'responses' will be in bold italics. I didn't change anything else, although I was shaking with the need to fix her grammar and spelling mistakes. Ugh.

This may or may not be an actual photo of the person in question. I have never met her before.

hey, you, get over here. whats yr fucking problem calling my old man and emailing him and iming him every second you get?

I went through my email accounts and counted how many emails I've actually sent my friend. The number is five and they are all job search related. (I've been helping him look for a job). The number of phone calls is hardly any, if you compare it to how much I talk to Jeremiah, or his mother or my momma. There are four phone calls from three weeks ago and three from the past week. There are a total of 12 text messages.

like i dont know what score is. yr messing with the wrong viking here. you need to leave him the fuck alone coz he had a goal before yr sorry ass came in the picture and yr dumbfuck baby clothes ARE NOT worth 2 turds.

He had a goal before I came along? I adore my friend but watching cartoons, smoking pot and then sitting idly by while his girlfriend gets drunk and makes a complete and total ass of herself doesn't seem very goal oriented, does it?

you want to fuck him so bad, Egypt sucks and yr bored? dont you have like a million billion kids, go take care of him.

I have done more in three seconds of being a mother than you have done for your child his whole entire life.

i am feeling sorry for jeremiah. yr a real cunty one arent you? so like i said, swing from his jock (haha yr gonna get let down...)and go set yrself on fire. YOU CAUSE ALL DISSENT IN MY HOME! so you fucked joey, so what? so yr from egypt, oooooh! another egyptian junkie thief or whorebag backasswards briar!

I have never done any drugs other than smoking pot, maybe a dozen times. I dated my friend's older brother, Joey, when I was a teenager, so I suppose that's the only thing she actually gets right in this whole entire email.

i told dave shisty fucks arent to be trifled with. i dont like you. i really dont like you. thats my mate for over 9 years AND the fathers of my son. if ol jeremiah is daves friend, why dont they communicate. got to be the center of the attraction?everytime you call and call and call (get a fucking hobby!) i try to be polite, but if i ever see you near my home yr getting curbstomped. and prepare for me to come to egypt next time.

When she has answered the phone the two times I have called and she answered she picked up the phone and said "Is this some fucking girl calling my man?????" and then she screamed at the top of her lungs and I hung up. The second time she answered "Whats????" and I said "Hi. Can I speak with David?" and she said "He's at the dentist, don't call here again." and hung up. She's the epitome of polite.

lets see what happens if you get too friendly, ill wartooth yr ass1111how about we switch men? youll find out how mentally unstable he is. and i found it ironic the days dave and i planned so many mysterious things went on so i couldnt in. yunz are smoother than a lexus, you think?i really hate people who beat around the bush. i dont think you know who yr dealing with, but ill school you when i kick yr door down. find out how we do it in dayton....

you better fucking run! and all yr sychopants and wannabe friends. yr summoning ragnarok.

I don't think we were beating around the bush AT ALL when we (meaning me and my wannabe friends and sycophants) told our friend to under NO CIRCUMSTANCES bring his girlfriend with him, do you? And Ragnarok? I'll give you a hint to why I know 'Ragnarok' , more commonly known Gotterdammerung, isn't coming. First of all, I had no idea that it could be summoned. Secondly, it's to be preceded by the winter of all winters, with no springs or summers for many years beforehand. I don't know if you've actually stepped outside in the last few days, but it's 82 degrees and perfectly sunny right now. Looks a lot like Spring turning into Summer.

all of you egyptian rumdums are soooo fucking scared of me, proof of inbreeding....
if you werent on my old mans dick so hard i wouldnt even write this...but circumstances are different here. and shut the fuck up, youd be the same way. yr a scammer, so why wouldnt everyone else be? were going to end up fighting eventually. its inevitable.

You're citing where I was born and raised as an example of inbreeding when you just mentioned GROWING UP IN DAYTON OHIO????

peeacy outtie galaxie 500 sister....syke! you are dead. stick another stupid thought into daves head.let him pursue his fucking career and shag ass out of our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nobody beats me in my backyard.

the next fight i have with david over you im getting the myers bus and coming to have a cup of hot coffee with me so i can scald you with it.

have that on yr eggs!!!

Coffee on my eggs? Oh...pieces of my burning face on my eggs? That was a threat. I was actually frightened. Not even being sarcastic...although it is my first inclination to be so.

I got the briefest of apologies from my friend on The Book of Faces that night. It actually made me even more upset. I get that kind of email from your girlfriend, sent from your email account and this is the apology I get:

hey, sorry for ailene. please don't hold it against me.... i don't know what happened, i've been asleep all day. sorry

Who needs friends when you have the psychotic girlfriends of friends to keep you company?


Logical Libby said...

So, he was sleeping, and she was obviously drinking.

"The wrong Viking?" Oh, Erin, this woman deserves nothing but pity. And a dictionary.

otherworldlyone said...


Erin, I'd totally beat the fuck out of this chick for you.

I doubt she actually hates you. She sounds like she's completely fried out of her fucking gord and has no idea what's going on.

It might be time for you to walk away from this friend and leave him to help himself. I know that sucks, but sometimes you have to let them take the path they've chosen.

Nicole said...

I agree with otherworldlyone. It might be time to leave your friend alone.

He can't possibly expect you, his friend, to accept whatever abuse his crazy-ass girlfriend dishes out. It's not fair to you.

If he chooses to be with her and live with that drama, that's on him. But you certainly shouldn't have to deal with it.

Also, dat broad crazy.

FRANNIE said...

I can't say this fast enough.

Drop kick them both to the curb and don't look back.

She had to be drunk, half of that email didn't even make any sense, forget grammar and spelling, those are the least of her problems.

Perhaps it would be helpful for her to get a firm grasp on reality before opening her mouth.

liz woodbury said...

i just have one question: can i be one of your sychopants? i'd really like to get business cards printed up with "sychopant of erin" on them.

Ms. Moon said...

I have to say she's somewhat creative in her threats. "Wartooth your ass?" I sort of love that.
Otherwise- whoa! That is one fucked-up chick. In fact, she is so fucked-up that I would ponder having her boyfriend as a friend. I mean- he stays with her? What does this say about him?
Oh honey. As otherworldly said- might be time to walk away.

Amanda said...

People. Are. Crazy. Seriously. She obviously has lots of problems, so try not to take it too seriously or upset yourself too much over it. I agree with some of the other comments, but sounds like the end of the road for your friendship with both of them! I try to stay out of drama, too. I'm sad that somebody as nice as you had to get such a nasty email.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Well. I think you ARE smoother than a Lexus, so there. I say we all hop a bus to Dayton. And we bring hot chocolate. Not to throw on her. To drink. And then when we get there, we can say, "Haha, bitch. We had hot chocolate. And we didn't share it." Then we kick her ass.

Tristachio said...

You know what, I actually think I saw this chicks parents in the bar in town. It was an 90 year old man mostly likely making out with his 40 year old granddaughter on the dance floor while The Pilot sang karaoke. It was disgusting and made me throw up alittle in my mouth.

Colleen said...

True, I've never been to Dayton, OH, but I can only understand about half of what this woman is saying to you.

Love LGBG's proposal.

erin said...

To Everyone:

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I wasn't sure if I should post this post, but for some reason I felt a million times better after I did.

I know I'm losing a good friend, and Jeremiah has lost this same friend before under similar circumstances. We were really hoping for the best this time.

Thanks again, so much.

Petit fleur said...

I don't know Erin. Perhaps you should file a police report just to begin a paper trail (in case). The thing is, she sounds psycho, and you have children.

She likely is just someone who likes to talk a bunch of smack, but you can't be too careful where kids are involved.

Sigh. Good luck.

Petit fleur said...

Ah, PS... RUN! Don't walk away from both of them. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Um, yeah. I've been to Dayton several times. Folks are crazy there. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Peace out.

Miss Yvonne said...


Walk. Away. Quickly.

There's no way that dude can be a good enough friend to put up with that psycho.

Also? I just might have to marry Little Girl Big Glasses on account of how awesome her hot chocolate comment was. Yeah, I'm already married and I'm a chick. Big whoop.

Sam said...

I'm really sorry you had to get an e-mail like that, because that would be unsettling and upsetting, but it's also hilarious.

And how do you have time to be re-posting her e-mails? Don't you have a million billion kids? :)

Reminds me of a hate letter (before e-mail, dontcha know) that I received at 15 from a "friend of a friend" that referenced my lady parts a disturbing 37 times. I cried and showed it to my mother, who was like, "What do you care what some stupid @#$%&* says about you? She can't even spell."

nova said...

Uhmmmm...yeah. Don't do her the honor of answering back. This one is totally out there to pick a psycho-pants fight with you and your million billion egyptian kids. Wow dude. What a loser!

nova said...

p.s. Curbstomping is so '90s

Tina H said...

Oh wow!! I think that she was on more than alcohol!! I agree - RUN!!! I like LGBG idea, I can bring some hot chocolate!!

kara said...

with the exception of the last two sentences (which are the best ever written), this is my favorite:

thats my mate for over 9 years AND the fathers of my son.

because she's really not certain of the quantity of anything.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Well, she's nuts. That's all. I feel myself actually getting angry at HIM, the friend. No accountability for this at all?

You tried. Get out while you still can.

Beta Dad said...

Jeezus! That's a crazy bitch. I like her redneck/medieval/fantasy novel patois though. You should abandon your buddy until he dumps her. No good can come of this.

Mwa said...

That's horrible! I will admit to being jealous at times, but that is about a marathon too far! Doesn't she know that the etiquette when your man gets phonecalls from girls is to seethe quietly until you make some snide remark at said man who then reassures you with good sex? Under no circumstances is the girl ever to know she's getting at you!

Erin said...

Dude. So that bitch is crazy, but that is also some of the funniest shit I've read in a while.
She seems to have been on something when she wrote that.
I would call the police if she has any remotely threatening contact with you again.

Jane said...

Wow, she sounds like my next door neighbor. I would go over and do something about it but I know I wouldn't look good in one of those prison orange jump suits (unless you agreed to crochet me a nice wrap to accessorize it) and besides, she's not worth it. Who needs all the drama?!

Ally said...

Hey, if you need some Strong Island, NY via NJ insanity on your side, you've got it! I'm here for ya!

I give you credit for making any sense out of her "words" if you can even call them that. What an idiot. I too have only been in like one threatening type situation but with my hubs ex-best friend. He became a total drug addict and stalking a friend of mine who dated him for a year. Long story short, we had to get a restraining order to keep him from bothering me and my friend :(