Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Beast in the Basement

Upstairs there is pandomonium, the girls are getting ready to go to their Dad's house. Elijah is following them around trying to get them to pay attention to him.

Rosey and I are in the basement, getting her soccer clothes out of the dryer. She's talking about something that happened in school, I'm pissed at myself for not washing her soccer clothes the night before.

Approximately a foot to the right of Rose, wriggling out from underneath a pile of clothes, comes a horrible black spider. Just writing those words make me feel tingly (in a bad way).

*Deep Breaths*

Rose jumps and screams. She is not usually afraid of any insects (which is absurdly lucky for me, considering I'm afraid of all of them), but this spider is particularly large and nasty.

She makes her way over to me and we stand side by side, paralyzed by the spider's slow moving progress. I rationalize that it's about to die, and that's why it's moving so slowly...

*Deep Breaths*

...but I'm pretty sure it's just messing with us. Made bold by our screams the spider sits in the middle of the floor and chills for a while.

"Rosey. You're going to have to kill it. I don't have shoes on." I'm whispering and my voice is actually shaking. I'm sure this is not inspiring any confidence in Rosey.

"No way Mom." She shakes her head. "I'll give you one of my shoes."

"ROSEY! I can't move." Now I'm shaking my head.

We look at each other. I'm almost ready to force her to kill the spider under threat of grounding or time out or some other absurdly cruel method of torture. She has a moment of clarity before I can do this.

"MAXINE!!! Max!!! There's a big spider down in the basement! Come here."

Ahhh, yes, Rosey is a genius. Maxine is our resident Spider Slayer (when Jeremiah is not home). Last year she killed a simliarly giant spider that had taken our bathroom hostage. She saved the day that time.

Max cautiously makes her way down the steps and into the basement. Oddly enough, she's in nothing but her underwear and a pair of mittens. I decide to question her about what she was doing another time. She's got a tupperware container in one hand and a paper towel in the other.

That's my girl. Come to save the day, yet again.

But the elation is short lived.

"Oh my. No way. Sorry momma...." and she rapidly flees back up the steps.

Rose and I are on our own, trapped by a mythic beast of epic proportions. She's rattling off the names of poisonous spiders in our area. I'm thinking of pushing her into the spider, my logic being that either her weight would demolish it enough, or that the adrenaline of being pushed into the beast like creature would give her the gumption to smash it.

*Deep Breaths*

"Rose, I'll give you five bucks if you kill it, JUST SMOOSH IT...it will be all done...and we can go upstairs and never come back down here ever again."

"Hmmm.....how about a mini laptop?"

"Are you kidding? You're 9."

"I'll be 10 in little over a month."

"No way. What else?"

"A trampoline?"

"Done."

Rose takes off her shoes, smacks the spider and calmly trots up the step to show Max the smashed carcass.

I gather up the clothes and run up the stairs behind her, left with the curious feeling that I was just played.

So now I need to get a trampoline by the 23rd of May. Any suggestions?

AND DID YOU SEE THE NEW HEADER!?!? I love it. The kids have already picked out which baby birdies represent them.

And I'm not totally happy with the tagline I came up with...but I can change it at any time so...I'll quit my bitching.

Thanks Again to Pink Designz! She tells me she still owes me a background...although I'm not sure what can trump that awesome header!

17 comments:

Surly Scott said...

Isn't underwear and mittens universal spider-killing attire?

otherworldlyone said...

Hahahaha. Just another day in the life of a mom: See spider, tell child to kill it, threaten with punishments that don't work, contemplate using force, finally cave and bribe child.

*brushes off shoulders* Yep. We've got it down.

Love the header.

Logical Libby said...

I love the new background. And I love your girls. You are totally doomed when they become teenagers.

April said...

underwear and mittens... that's great. I have a nephew who would wander around the house in similar attire (granted, he's only three...).

I love the new header. Very nice.

mylittlebecky said...

i knew there was a good reason to have children. and very cute header. birdies! yay!

Amanda said...

Yes, you were totally played. Smooth one, Rose.

The header kicks ass! Very cute.

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

I love the header. I don't like bugs, but I not freaked by them. Snakes are what get to me...a snake might have gotten me to pay my kid, a bug...never. You got played:)

Tina H said...

Love the header..
as for the spider.. yep, you got played! Love that she tried for a minilaptop though! I for one give my son money to get rid of mormom crickets when the cats bring them in! I try to pay him to take care of a scorpion, but that did not work...I can usually grab a broom and smooch the spiders, but crickets and scorpions are worth paying for!!

nova said...

The blog looks great!

Ms. Moon said...

That was a good one! And I love the new header AND the tagline. I think it says it all.

Angela Christensen said...

Wow, Erin, beautiful new branding! I agree with Ms. Moon that the tagline is great. It puts a whole new order around your especially delightful chaos, and I love it. We do have a similar entomological model at our house, where 6'2" Dylan cannot bear the sight of a spider but does save EVERY other insect (and we have tons, living in the oak canopy, as we do)...and deals are MADE, baby.
Love, love.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh Erin! I just thought of a necklace I saw on an etsy site called Figs and Ginger that matches your header. It was 4 birds in a line following the mama bird. I wonder if they still have it?

Also, for future reference, trapping the spider under a glass and leaving the glass there until the kids are grown and you sell the house, that works too.

Mwa said...

That is too clever! I wish I'd been that clever when I was little. Getting a trampoline out of it is just genius.

And yes, gorgeous header indeed.

Petit fleur said...

Spiders are so shivery!! Yikes! Your little one is very brave.. and I think you are right, you were played. She's good.

LOVE the header. It's groovy.
pf

jessica said...

Ok....so it's my first time seeing your blog, but the title alone was interesting enough to keep me reading more.....you are seriously a trip. Something tells me I'll have many laughs with this blog.

Colleen said...

Highly entertaining!

Ally said...

Too funny! I thought all kids under 12 aren't afraid of bugs though.

Trampolines seem a tad dangerous, it's funny, when I called up for rental insurance, the agent asked if we owned one, oh and a water bed. Ha ha!

Love the new header and the tag line is cute!!