Yesterday while Elijah and Maxine were napping and I was working on a custom order, I watched a documentary called The Workshop.
It's essentially about a man who is confused and wants some answers about life, so he attends this 'intense' 10 day workshop where a middle aged man who has positioned himself as a guru yells at everyone that they're all fucked up, but aside from making them all feel worthless, he doesn't really give them any answers. Except that they should all get naked and be open. Which means openly fornicating. With multiple partners.
Watching this made me feel weird. I wasn't turned on, but I didn't stop watching. I'm not into porno but I'm not a chaste person...I'm not offended by seeing random people nude but I'm not entirely comfortable either.
And that's the type of reaction that this guru would pounce on.
With all of their touting of love and acceptance, guru's still wind up seeming pretty angry. Angry and Erin don't match well. I either cry or I will nod my head silently and then cry about it later while in bed, or in the shower.
Something about this guy really pissed me off though. I can just see our conversation...Dick Head Guru and a Much Braver Than Usual Erin:
"Why are you ashamed of something so natural?"
"Did I say I was ashamed?"
"When you take away all of the outer trappings, all you're left with is the person underneath."
"Making someone vulnerable is a trapping in itself, isn't it? A manipulation technique?"
"Only if it's been programmed into your head that being nude and open makes one vulnerable."
"I think part of being a human is finding what you're comfortable with and making the decision on your own."
"How would you know if you're making the decision on your own or if you're already programmed to make the decision that others and society want you to make?"
It's this type of circular logic that would get me in the end. There's no way you can argue with this type of man. I dismissed him and continued to watch mainly out of morbid curiousity.
Until the people in the workshop starting dealing with jealousy, and the guru started to address it as well.
Jealousy is something I deal with everyday. It's probably rooted within me from some sort of low self esteem, I assume. I had never thought of myself as a jealous person, nor had I ever been called that by anyone else until I was with Jeremiah. I became jealous beyond reason. I feel sick just thinking about how much I worry that he will leave me for someone else, that he likes someone (male or female) better than me, that he's lost interest in me because of my domesticity. I would do anything within reason (no nudity or group sex, please) to conquer these absurd emotions I have constantly.
So I listened.
When the guru suggested I watch my partner make love to someone else in front of me, I shut the movie off.