Thursday, January 21, 2010

The World's Tiniest Toot Exposed

We have pretty early bedtime here at Casa de la Dorkiness. We send the kids up to bed at 8pm and usually by 8:30pm it's relatively quiet. (I say relatively because lately Elijah has been jumping in his crib and yelling at fictional 'ho-hos' who obviously live on our roof...I'm as confused as you are.)

Last night around 8:45pm all was quiet and Jeremiah had been out running some errands so I was patting myself on the back for my successful solo bedtime results. I went up the stairs to use the bathroom and didn't close the door because that would alert the natives that may still be awake of my presence. I sat down on the toilet to pee and let out the tiniest little baby toot in the history of baby toots. This tiny gas bubble prompted this response from Olivia's room:

"OH MY GOD MOM!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU HAVE THE DIARRHEA?!"

Which was followed by uncontrollable and insane cascades of laughter. Which ended with a calm Olivia saying:

"No, really Mom...are you okay?"

It was the World's Most Insignificantly Small Toot Ever! Now I'm sure she's at school telling all of her friends about her mom's disgusting night-time dump of epic proportions. Complete with sound effects and facial expressions. Oh boy.



Then this morning at 6:50am I woke up to find Maxine in my face. At least it wasn't 4am...but still, why does that child find it necessary to perch nearly directly on top of me and then stick her adorable and beaming face directly in mine? People who may wonder why I am totally and completely insane might understand if they knew I was woken up almost every morning like this.

"Momma. Momma. Momma."

"Holy crap Max! What's wrong?...Oh. Good morning Max, I didn't realize it was morning time yet."

"Mom. Olivia and Rose are not up for school yet. Not yet. I went in their room and turned on their light and jumped on them and they just got up and turned the light off and went back to bed."

"Max. It's not even 7am. The girls don't have to be up till 8."

"Oh...well, 7 is close to 8. They're right next to each other. It's kind of like the same thing. Right?"

"I'll get up with you Max, just leave them alone."

"But Mommmmmm....Olivia needs to get something for me."

"I can get it for you."

"No. Olivia has to."

"Max. I can get it, get up off of me so I can get dressed."

"Mom. NO. You can't see it. It's....a surprise."

This is a red alert...I can see all the signs of some kind of huge mess or something of that caliber hidden somewhere in my house.

"Maxine, I'll get it for you, leave Olivia alone. You're not supposed to have secrets from me."

"Mom. Just leave it alone."

She sounded so serious I decided to leave it alone and wait to see what secrets Olivia would uncover later in the morning.

Later in the morning...I found that Olivia and Max had slathered one of Elijah's sleeping bunnies with lotion and shaving gel, cut up his long floppy ears, put him in a plastic bag and hid him in the bathroom linen closet underneath the towels. I'm going to attempt to wash him, but I think that bunny might be dead. Good thing Elijah won't notice cause he has 5 other sleeping bunnies to replace that one. But, to be honest with you, it was my favorite.

R.I.P. Grey and Green Sleeping Bunny. You were soft, but not long for this world.

23 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

"Just leave it alone". Best kid line ever.

Mwa said...

Were they doing some kind of Chucky routine on that bunny?

Tony said...

That poor sleeping bunny. He will be forever remembered.

Ally said...

Ha ha! The reaction to the tiny toot had me dying!

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

What do you expect? Those kids are being raised by a farty mother. It's a wonder they aren't wilder than they are. ;o)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh, Olivia, you're incorrigible.

I knew she was my kinda girl.

So, did you have the diarrhea? Tell me more. *chin in hands thoughtfully*

otherworldlyone said...

There are no quiet toots on the toilet. It echos. Also, I can't believe I just said toot.

I feel your pain on the being woken up at odd hours for no apparent reason thing. Oh, gawd, do I.

RIP bunny.

erin said...

Miss Yvonne: She was dead serious when she said it too.

Mwa: I'm a little worried. Not really.

Tony: Yes, yes he will. Poor sweet naive bunny.

Ally: I hope you recovered from dying without any lasting side effects.

Dr.: I will forgive you because you aren't aware of my total and complete hatred of the gassiness in general. I don't fart, I toot. And only in private.

Beckerino: No. No I did not. And we won't talk anymore about things like that today, dear child.

OWO: Tooting is my preferred word for the act of letting gas escape from the bunghole. Deal.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Since we tried to instill such radical ideas in the heads of the kids, ideas such as "politeness" and "modesty" and "really, dude, farting in public isn't all that cool", my son is all about excusing himself with any little toot that he releases, silent or otherwise.

This has carried over to his violent questions of "What do you say?" whenever I...*ahem*...let one rip. Which is quite often. And, sometimes I'll think he's asleep and I'll let fly and then I'll hear from his room "What do you say???" If I don't answer fast enough, he gets louder and more insistent until I finally excuse myself for the minor eructation that I just allowed myself.

*sigh*

Vic said...

So were they in the process of shaving the bunny? Poor thing.

I want to hear more about the ho-hos on the roof. Unless you have a pimp living in your garage, in which case, never mind.

John Pender said...

Those girls of yours do some pretty funny stuff.

erin said...

mjenks: *sigh*

Vic: 'Ho-ho' is our name for Santa Claus. Elijah has been going on now since before Christmas about 'Hoho' and he points insistently to the ceiling. It's better than pimps and hos on our roof, yes, but not much better.

John: Yep, they're hilarious.

mo.stoneskin said...

Olivia was wise to be worried. I've often found that the tiniest little baby toot can often be the very worst kind.

miss. chief said...

what's ho-ho still doing on your roof? I find that a little suspect.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I like that they used BOTH lotion and shaving cream.

Why did Max want the bunny so badly? I'm hoping to throw out and not put back.

Amanda said...

So, what was the point of the bunny torture? Did they ever spill the beans?

Speaking of beans: I love that you called it the tiniest little baby toot in the history of baby toots. Best description of gas EVER.

P.T said...

I had a 'tiny toot' moment too! I felt so small...but now reading your story I can't stop laughing...lmao

Missy said...

Yes! Your child's teacher and class will hear all about your toot! It is sad and funny when you cannot toot without the whole house responding! I can feel your pain! LOL

Phat Mama said...

I think I'd rather have the child telling school about my teeny toot than the horrendous toot story I felt compelled to put on my blog. :(

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, yeah. I read about your toot on TMZ and Twitter.

Next time, you should totally close the door.

;-) Anna

Madame DeFarge said...

Is there no privacy for mothers any more?

kara said...

i don't think we have to do that whole thing where we tell each other everything.

Bethany said...

Oh gosh, that was so funny, the diarrhea comment!

Your kids are hilarious.

Sorry about the bunny. I'm so glad I am understanding now that these are STUFFED bunnies, or you may have gotten another rambling panicked post!

Poor bun!