Friday, February 25, 2011

Kids can be as funny as swear words and poop...

I read a lot about the lack of substance in 'Mommy Blogs' and have been witness to a few Twitter skirmishes on the topic as well. I suppose the premise (or at least one of them) of this argument is that strangers don't want to look at pictures of your kids or don't want to hear about them all the time. I think this is a little bit bunk in my case though.

  1. I bet you that my kids are funnier, cleverer and cooler than most everyone. Did I mention 'ridiculous'?
  2. I went to school to be a writer, that has to count for something, right? Give me a degree, I'll give you the world. Wait.
College didn't have a course on Correct Cliche, obviously.

That's all I could come up with.

Below is the obligatory story about Mein Kinder, separated by this glorious line. A Maginot Line, if you will, to protect you from my Mommy Bloggerness.
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Olivia has red hair and we've recently taken to calling her The Ginger, which annoys Maxine Jane to no end. As soon as the words leave my mouth a look of shock and dismay lights up her moppet-face, her hands shoot to her tiny hips, her feet immediately take the preferred stomping stance, her voice reaches almost maximum whining levels and it's becoming obvious that she's pissed as hell.

"Mom. Her name is not that! STOP SAYING THAT! CALL HER BY HER NAME!" She stomps away, looking to take her anger out on some unsuspecting sibling somewhere else in the house.

Against my better judgment I set off after her, hoping to get to the bottom of this. I find her face down in her bed, sobbing into a giant pink and yellow stuffed butterfly. Her life is so wretched and wrought with hardships.

"Maxine, what is the matter?" I try to bring a tenderness to my voice even though I'm half annoyed, half amused.

"You know that *sniffle, gag, cough, cough, sniffle* her name isn't 'The Ginger'." Despair emanates from her very core.

"It's just a nickname, Maxine. There's this old British man that lives down the street and he called her that the other day. I thought it was cute." I actually thought it was a little disturbing, being that the old British man stumbled onto his front porch as we were passing and called out, "Hey Ginger, Come on over here!!! Hey you! Tell your momma to drop you off for tea sometime!!!!" at us.

"It's a nice name, I guess. But I'm just so sad cause you and Jeremiah call me 'Mini-Jerk' and 'Washington' and 'Evil One' and they aren't nice like 'Ginger'." Her face is peppered with splashes of red, snot is running freely from her nose and she still looks lovely.

"Maxine Jane, aw baby. You know those aren't your usual nicknames! We just use those when we're kidding around, I usually call you my 'Angel Face' and my 'Little One' and 'Momma's Baby'..." I'm actually starting to feel sad as well and guilty to boot.

"Ya...I know. Ok, I'm not mad at you anymore, I guess. But, maybe if we walk past that old man's house he'll give me a new nickname too?"

"Maybe, Max..."

I shudder to think.

11 comments:

nova said...

When I was studying linguistics at school I learned that kids of a certain age really base their identity on their name, and if you try and call them by something else it really messes with them. It's something to do with their cognitive development and that they can only associate one word with one thing. It's kind of like how kids will begin calling anything with four legs "puppy" when they're babies.

Maybe ol' Max is within that age bracket.

SherilinR said...

i haven't seen the twitter discussions. are people mad at moms who talk about their kids too much? if you don't want to read it, you certainly don't have to. but as a mom, i like to read about the adventures & mishaps of other moms & their kids. like yours. now i kind of want to think up a good nickname for maxine so she won't want to go visit that creepy old man in search a cute nickname all her own.

Elly Lou said...

I love creepy old men. I can't get enough of Stephen Tyler. I might need an intervention.

MJ said...

I love red hair (to the point of occasionally dying my hair red), and wouldn't be too happy about the nickname Ginger coming out of the mouth of a Brit. I had no idea until I lived in the UK for a few years that over there, Ginger is used in a derogatory way. I only ever heard it being used negatively, which is a shame. It had never occurred to me that having red hair is a bad thing! And it isn't.

That old man sounds like a creep. Ick.

Aimee said...

Oh, the tenderness of little girls! I can't believe I used to be a little girl, with all her complexity and loverly-ness. Teenage boys are my mothering comfort zone. They're totally cool with being called shit like "douchebag" and "Tard McTardson" and "crotch cheese." How I love my babies!

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

yeah, i'm seconding MJ's comment. after living in london, i learned that "Ginger" isn't exactly a term of endearment.

next time the old man calls her that give him the backwards peace sign. he'll know what it means.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

well if that don't just suck the life out of a momma.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I have a nickname for her: Sassafras.

You like it? I think it's cute.

My mom's nickname for me when I was little was Pisspot. My mom was kind of a cunt.

Tom said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVN_0qvuhhw

That kind old British man?
Kick him in his stiff upper lip ;-)

Logical Libby said...

I like "mini jerk." I think it's endearing. No, I'm not being sarcastic. It means you know she can take whatever is dished out, and give it back even better.

Prosy said...

HAHA I actually love your kid stories (and I don't even like kids). I especially like how you obviously live next to that creepy old man in Family Guy who is always trying to get Chris to come in his house.