Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Let's Talk About Sex. Ugly Sex.

I don’t talk about sex often on this blog so here is a big big warning to anyone reading on:

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT SEX OR IF THIS IS GOING TO MAKE CONVERSATION UNCOMFORTABLE LATER ON, PLEASE STOP READING NOW.
FOR BOTH OF OUR SAKES.


Did you ever see a couple that you couldn’t imagine having sex?

Like the guy looks like Elmer Fudd and the girl looks like Carrot Top?


A couple walks by you and all you can think is how it’s possible for him to mount her because of the giant man boobs that hang down past his waist? What do you do with those things? Swing them aside for easier insertion?


The thing about those couples out there is that they’re probably having the hottest best sex ever in the history of the world. So much so that they’re putting us all to shame.

Every night we’re all tired from working or kids and maybe we’re not all that hot. BUT we’re exponentially still better looking than some of the unfortunates out there.

You get into your jammies, watch t.v. or a movie with your partner…how many times out of ten do you guys bone like there’s no tomorrow?

I love love love love sex, but sometimes there’s nothing sexy about hearing the baby yelling for you as you're working your way to an awesome orgasm. Then after you wash your hands (yes, I said it) and check on crying baby…you find out he’s crying cause he has a poopy diaper. Ga-reat. That does a lot for me. Poop and Babies. So hot.

Or the woman doesn’t want to be on top cause her belly isn’t flat anymore. The dude doesn’t want to go down on his chick cause he’s tired from working all day.

But those ugly people are lucky to get it ever. EVER. So you know that every chance they get they’re going to busy town, screwing like bunnies.

It’s like doing one of those Jillian Michaels (trainer from the Biggest Loser) workouts. She’s yelling at you over and over again with this kind of manly voice and her face is pissed off and strained and she's screaming:

“WORK HARDER!”
“350 pound people are kicking ass at this workout and you’re slacking!"
"GET OFF YOUR ASS”

And that’s my advice to you, people out there.

Get on with it and fuck like there’s no tomorrow. There are super duper ugly people coming (cumming?) left and right at this very moment. Don’t let them put us to shame.

21 comments:

paisana said...

Awesome.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This is the most bizarre rallying of troops I've ever seen.

As God as my witness, THOSE FATTIES AND UGGOS SHALL NOT OUTFUCK US!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Man...this is perhaps more inspiring the Gipper speech.

"Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys, ask them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."

has just been replaced by:

"Get on with it and fuck like there’s no tomorrow. There are super duper ugly people coming (cumming?) left and right at this very moment. Don’t let them put us to shame."

With maybe a little bit of Steam Me Up's motto thrown in, too.

Ms. Moon said...

This is a winner post. Absolutely.

Logical Libby said...

I think I just teared up a little bit...

michelle said...

This is TOO FUNNY. I have to admit that sometimes I see a patient and then look at the parents and all I can think is ????? eeek

Shameful.

Sam said...

Okay, I loved you before, but now that I've learned the expression "going to busy town" applied in a non-Richard Scarry context, I LERVE you. ;)

Miss OverThinker said...

I have totally wondered that about some couples I come across - how in the hell do they ever do it? funny post.. hahaha

John Pender said...

Posts like this are why I love you.

j-face said...

you actually just received like 400 points for this. i am left somewhat satisfied and a bit tired.

i'm on to your Erin my friend...

Kurt said...

I don't know if I should be laughing or crying or maybe screwing or maybe looking in the mirror and trying to figure out what makes man-boobs "floppy". I guess I can't go wrong no matter what.

mo.stoneskin said...

Chick Magnet is a sex god, I can tell.

Miss Yvonne said...

You are like the Braveheart of somewhat good looking sex. They may take away our flat stomachs, but they will never take away our girl-on-top sexual intercourse!!!

Or something like that.

Katherine said...

ha! you have successfully made me laugh out loud and rallied me to the cause of outsexing the uglies! I haven't seen my Mr for a good month and a bit...he's sooooo going to get it when i see him :D

too much info? I don't care, i WILL NOT be out done!
xoxo

ps. you may get a thank you card from my Mr in the next few weeks hehe!

otherworldlyone said...

Sure, sure. Rub it in for us non-uglies that STILL aren't getting any because commitment equals death and random hook ups equal syphilis.

Thanks Erin, thanks.

P.S. - Very funny, chick.

Unknown Mami said...

But what if I am one of the uglies that you are talking about? Do I have to screw even harder now so that you pretties don't catch up?

Mwa said...

Off to bed now... I'm blaming you.

(Great post, by the way!)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm with you, man. I'm with you.

Love, SB.

joeygirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
joeygirl said...

i'm doing my part to motivate the masses :)

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFL!!!! Aye Aye Captain!!!!!