Friday, April 10, 2015

This is Me

I've always been vain.

And at the same time I'm not entirely sure that's accurate. I think self obsessed because of an issue with low self esteem is probably more applicable...but yeah, vain.

A few years ago (and some of you out there might remember) I lost a great, huge deal of weight, around 80 pounds. I went from around 220 to around 135. And I have been working really hard at getting back up towards that 220 again since then! So yes, I could be healthier and yes, I certainly could exercise more.

But with the weight issues also comes this fear of looking different as I age. I like my looks. I like my eyes and my mouth and my cheeks and my hair...I am totally petrified of looking like someone else, an older version of me that people don't recognize. Like I could run into someone at the store or on the street and they would just walk by, that couldn't be her! That woman is much, much older than Erin! 

So in the last few months I haven't been dieting or exercising any more than usual. I haven't been taking better care of myself any more than usual. I haven't tried to change up my wardrobe any more than usual. I've just been trying to come to terms with change. The permanent wrinkles on my forehead and around my eyes, the gray hair that my sister plucked from my head, the creases on my chest between my breasts that were never there before. 

I just keep telling myself everyone is different, everyone is different, everyone is different. I remember when I did weigh 140 and not 190 I still thought I looked huge! I can't believe how hard I was on myself. And I was even harder on myself when I was 18 and 115 pounds.

So this is me, my problem, something I have to deal with and come to terms with.

This is me.


Liz Woodbury said...

You're adorable, and you'll be an adorable 35/40/45/50/70 year-old. But you're right, it is disconcerting to look in the mirror and see the 47 year-old self while you're feeling like the same old 24 year-old self. And I think you're smart to sit with change, get comfortable with it, because it's inevitable!

Mwa said...

Yes. That precisely.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Yeh,I think you are adorable too. And interesting and thoughtful. But you already knew all that.