Blood. When Maxine Jane's nose bleeds I freak out even though it happens often and with gory results. I've taken her to the doctor and they tell me it's normal. My brother Joshua and I both had nose bleeds as children all the time.
But every time she comes to me with her hand filled with snot and blood and clots of thick mucus streaked with bright, bright red I feel faint and panicked at the same time. Calling for Jeremiah, running for the paper towels because tissues just don't work, soothing her when she doesn't really need soothed.
So you'd think my monthly bleeding might freak me out a little...but really until very recently it hasn't. I've always had light, short periods and I have no idea why. I also have no idea why in the last five months or so I have had painful, emotional periods with copious amounts of blood. I know we as a society don't like to talk about this but hey, it's my blog...I'll talk about what I want.
And what I want to talk about is why I now see why menstruating is seen as a curse, The Curse. I feel like I need a nap and I hate naps. I feel like I'm in early labor which after having four children, trust me, that fucking sucks. I snapped at Olive this morning and I cried when I found Elijah in bed with a stuffy nose and a mild fever. I didn't get any of my morning work done, I didn't stuff any of the bunnies or bears I have to finish by the end of the week, I didn't make my morning smoothie or the french press espresso I had been looking forward to the night before. Everything seems... wrong.
I am fully cognizant that this curse gave me the ability to have my four beautiful children. It stills sucks.
I had promised myself that I was going to have a cheery 34th birthday this Thursday, that I was going to shed the malaise that has been coming over me since my 30th. But now with this curse I'm not sure I'll be able to.
Maybe if there will be cake! Cake that I didn't have to make, of course.