The only difference I've noticed now, on this 10th day after my Birthday is that the malaise I was suffering from has finally lifted it's gloomy veil. I feel semi-normal now, although stressed and under pressure, normal as someone as strange and ridiculous as me can be.
Because I was under this veil, I think I ruined my Birthday party, which was so nicely planned by my Momma and although on the weekend, attended by all of my children. I just sat there and forced smiles onto my face like trying to force a baby's fat feet into it's first pair of shoes. Delicately, yet forcefully and with a sense of remorse and regret, I made my way through the happy people, the pats on the back and my many children clamoring for my attention without feeling much of anything at all.
I didn't take much notice of this delightful cake, made special for me because of my love of bows and polka dots:
The usual onslaught of tears did not come when my Momma gave me the bunnies I had been coveting most of my life. She received the Momma Bunny and the first pink baby when I was born, made for her by her Grandmother and then one for each child after that except for Hannah. But we all know that nobody likes Hannah, so that makes perfect sense...
I didn't delight when Olivia gave me a handmade ninja fan with a built-in self destruct button or get mad when Maxine threw a horrible fit and launched herself into a basement bookshelf.
And now I'm feeling regretful and apologetic, with no real reason to apologize. I will move on though, this weekend Jeremiah and are will be away from Elijah for two whole nights, the longest we have ever left him. We'll be attending a wedding, I have dresses to wear thanks to Becky and newly purchased accessories, so there is a little bit of fun on the horizon (I hope!).
Although looking forward to being out of this house and away from my work and motherly duties, I can't help but feel a sense of dread, thick and oozy, sitting on my shoulders, drizzling it's muck into my head. When with this malaise come again? Why is this happening to me?
9 comments:
I'm 45 and have to admit, I struggled with my 29th & 30th birthdays. I don't know, maybe I had some grand expectations, but I can tell you I embraced turning 40!
During my 30s, I mellowed and when I turned 40 I actually celebrated by hiking the Grand Canyon with a bunch of strangers (later I took 5 close friends into NYC for a great night out on the town).
You'll see. Things will definitely get better. Take it from someone who has lived through a lot of shit, it will get better.
Hey Erin! 30 was hard for me too for some reason. I'm glad you're doing better, and you look good in Becky's dresses!
Are you sure you're an autumn? I don't think that's right. Not that I've heard of this "1970s" thing you keep referring too...
hope you're feeling cheered by now, miss e. birthdays are hard sometimes. i sailed through 30 but hated 40. having come through the other side, though, i really see that things get better and better -- you'll see. your 30s make you stronger, wiser, more YOU.
also, you know i love those bunnies.
plus, WHAT DAMN DRESS DID YOU CHOOSE? PICTURES, please.
Happy Birthday!
I felt weird turning 30, but not half as weird as I did turning 40. ;)
I love those bunnies.
Maybe its not your birthday. Mercury is in retrograde. The bod is having to re-acclimate to big climate changes. Also I've been in a bad mood. Everyone knows that when I'm in a bad mood all the woodland creatures weep. It stands to reason it might affect you, too.
I had the same sort of birthday this year, but I didn't get bunnies OR a cake or a ninja ANYTHING.
Wow. I thought I was over it. *sniff.
Happy Birthday!!! I wish I was turning 30. Like Little Ms. Blogger said, I too struggled with turning 29 and then 30. Now I get to look forward to turning 40 in two years. I have to tell you though, that cake is so adorable :)
30 is weird. I tried to get around it by telling people I was 30 when I turned 29. Of course, then I was 30 for two years, and almost had a meltdown when I turned 31.
Aging sucks.
Erin, I want to be just like you when I turn 30. You seem very comfortable in your skin, even if you have to force it sometimes. There's nothing more normal than that.
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