All The Single Laddies!

It's common knowledge that I know everything there is to know about everything.

Parenting. Oh yeah, I've got that in the bag. I never fret, I never yell, my kids days are scheduled to a 'T' and they're all super genius and super well behaved. Elijah hasn't peed on the floor five times so far today and Max hasn't been parked in front of the computer for an hour...nope.

Style. Right now I'm wearing one of Jeremiah's undershirts and a pair of boxers that were my grandfathers...in the 80s...thus the charmingly monstrous maroon polka dots. Without saying anything else regarding my sense of style, you obviously can glean that I'm an icon.

Homemaking. If you don't go in the kitchen, you don't have to do the dishes. If you pretend that you can't clean upstairs because cleaning will wake the baby from his nap, the upstairs magically cleans itself.

Personal Hygiene. The bottoms of my feet are the shade of dog shit and I haven't showered in two days...and counting. I'm operating under the idea that the more bacteria and filth one accumulates on their bodies, the stronger their immune system becomes.

Because I am a moral and social compass for acceptable behaviors and etiquette, a lot of my guy friends over the years have come to me for advice about women. Whether it be they have too many women and are having a problem picking just one or if they can't get laid to save their lives, I always am hear to listen and respond in the appropriate manner.

For example, a man I know thinks that he is too shy and he also has self esteem problems. He wants to attract the right type of woman, but right now he's only attracting the bottom of the barrel scum. I have noticed in the past the thing that sets this man apart from some other men is not just his lack of confidence but also his conversational skills. He's slow to answer and it makes one think that he's not paying attention when in reality he's just considering what he should say in response.

So listen up, Men. You want to bag a smart, pretty broad? Play to her EGO.

But keep in mind, you can't slobber and fawn all over a woman and expect to get laid. She'll probably be more annoyed by your constant attentions than anything else.

Because there's a fine line, we will practice this together.

Date night. You're sitting in a bar/restaurant waiting for your date. PLEASE be reading a book while waiting. Or listening to classical music on your phone (with earphones, of course)...but preferably a book.

Look up when she gets close enough to you, cock your head ever so slightly to one side, like you're taking her in and then say something unique, like it just popped out of your head:

"Huh. The shade of that dress makes your hair look darker. It's cool."

"Hey you look different from the last time I saw you..."
"Really?"
"Ya. More sparkly or something."

Listening, responding and questioning during conversation is of massive importance.

"And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"Explain that again, slow down this time. It's very interesting."

If you are having a discussion, before you begin your turn to talk and present your side, compliment her on her thoughts and how she formulated her side of the conversation.

"Although I have to disagree with you, I'm really impressed at how you came up with that."

"It's a neat concept, I'm glad you told me about it in that way."

"I've never thought of it that way before..."

Get it?

Ok lets practice some more. You look at photos and compliment the women in the photos accordingly and in an original manner:


Ok, so what did you come up with?

I thought of this: "Please tell me that smirk means you're considering plans for world domination! That would be so fucking cute!"



"I could be annoyed at that scrunched up face you make, but I really just want to kiss you every time you do it."




"Is it possible your skin looks creamy? Is that a skin color? How about milky? It's just perfect."



"You're wearing a wedding ring...I'm guessing that means we're not going to get it on like Donkey Kong tonight."

Ok, don't say that.

Try this one instead, "Do you drink tea a lot? I wonder if that's why your hair is so nice."

So the bottom line is, you can trounce her ass all night long later. Kissing her ass and stroking
her ego right now is going to get you there.

(thanks to all the ladies that let me use their photos. click on their adorable faces to visit their also adorable blogs)