Dear Oldest Daughter, Rosey,
Stop growing up.
Oh and I put your garsh darn soccer shoes and shin guards on the porch cause the stink radiating from them was making me feel nauseous.
I can hear you talking to your friend Bill through the front window. You might think the wall can protect you from me eavesdropping on your conversation while you're on the front porch, but it can not.
Too bad you're talking about how to fix the dryer and not about how hot I am.
Dear Men Who Barked at me this afternoon,
I'm not sure why you did this. I've never thought of myself as a 'dog', per se. Now I'm examining the connections between my appearance and that of a canine. I'm also wondering how your '84 baby blue Honda Civic is still running although the back portion of it was dragging on the ground.
Thanks for all the deep thoughts,
Why do you insist on not eating the delicious foods I prepare you for dinner, leaving me to eat on my own?
I've included these photos to show you how lonely and deranged eating alone has made me.
Salad eating and did I mention alone,
Dear Baby Sister,
Don't turn 13 this week. Everyone knows I'm 16 years older than you and it makes me look like a mother f-ing crone.
Your not quite old till Thursday sister,
Dear Old Navy,
Thank you very much for the clothes I ordered from you online last week. I had absolutely no summer clothes to wear due to my shrinkage (i.e. weight loss) and was the only person in the world wearing jeans to all the Memorial Day weekend picnics.
However, Go to Hell for making a medium adorable black linen baby doll dress too big for me. It's like taunting me. I know I'm not a medium, hardly any of my other clothes are mediums, yet this dress is still too freaking big!!!! You're mind screwing me!
But if I take it back and get a small can I tell everyone in the world that I am now wearing a size small??
Please say yes,
Dear Al and Tipper Gore,
You keep telling me that it's not my fault, that you'll both still love me forever...but why am I so sad?!
Syke. I'm not sad at all. Just ashamed and bewildered that I read the news article containing the information about your divorce.
Also ashamed and bewildered that I googled 'Is Al Gore Gay?' right after reading aforementioned article.
Sorry for doubting you Big Al,