Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Open Letters

Dear Oldest Daughter, Rosey,

Stop growing up.

Oh and I put your garsh darn soccer shoes and shin guards on the porch cause the stink radiating from them was making me feel nauseous.


Dear Jeremiah,

I can hear you talking to your friend Bill through the front window. You might think the wall can protect you from me eavesdropping on your conversation while you're on the front porch, but it can not.

Too bad you're talking about how to fix the dryer and not about how hot I am.


Dear Men Who Barked at me this afternoon,

I'm not sure why you did this. I've never thought of myself as a 'dog', per se. Now I'm examining the connections between my appearance and that of a canine. I'm also wondering how your '84 baby blue Honda Civic is still running although the back portion of it was dragging on the ground.

Thanks for all the deep thoughts,

Dear Children,

Why do you insist on not eating the delicious foods I prepare you for dinner, leaving me to eat on my own?

I've included these photos to show you how lonely and deranged eating alone has made me.

Salad eating and did I mention alone,
Your Momma

Dear Baby Sister,

Don't turn 13 this week. Everyone knows I'm 16 years older than you and it makes me look like a mother f-ing crone.

Your not quite old till Thursday sister,
Erin Marie

Dear Old Navy,

Thank you very much for the clothes I ordered from you online last week. I had absolutely no summer clothes to wear due to my shrinkage (i.e. weight loss) and was the only person in the world wearing jeans to all the Memorial Day weekend picnics.

However, Go to Hell for making a medium adorable black linen baby doll dress too big for me. It's like taunting me. I know I'm not a medium, hardly any of my other clothes are mediums, yet this dress is still too freaking big!!!! You're mind screwing me!

But if I take it back and get a small can I tell everyone in the world that I am now wearing a size small??

Please say yes,

Dear Al and Tipper Gore,

You keep telling me that it's not my fault, that you'll both still love me forever...but why am I so sad?!

Syke. I'm not sad at all. Just ashamed and bewildered that I read the news article containing the information about your divorce.

Also ashamed and bewildered that I googled 'Is Al Gore Gay?' right after reading aforementioned article.

Sorry for doubting you Big Al,


mylittlebecky said...

dude. old navy just screwed everything all up. i dunno what happened because they changed evvvvverything.

you are so cute with salad.

Amanda said...

I bought some shirts from Old Navy this weekend that are going to be serving as maternity clothes, is how messed up those sizes are. So I'm with you man.

I'm also in the dark about the barking, but also oddly curious.

Logical Libby said...

Old Navy is totally screwing with people. I have always been a large there. Now the mediums are too big. I bet in the fall they make everything smaller again just to make us crazy.

Love the new look!

Ms. Moon said...

You are darling. And I'll bet the men were woofing at you which is a sign of appreciation for your fabulousness.

One Blonde Girl said...

Old Navy is evil. Their sizing is so screwy, but I say go for it! Tell the world you wear a small!

Dr. Monkey Hussein Monkerstein said...

You are adorable.

Wupppy said...

hihi, you're funny. I will be back!

Anonymous said...

Is Al gay? AND congrats on the weight loss. I seem to be heading the other way.....

otherworldlyone said...

I love Old Navy. They always make me feel small.

Al Gore though, he's a freakin weirdo.

Jane said...

The letters are hysterical! If I'm lucky, my daughter puts her skanky soccer shoes on the front porch. Usually though she throws her soccer bag in her room and it smells worse than a boy's locker room. That's why I keep her door shut and ignore it :)) Why let the stink from her room ruin the rest of my perfect little Utopia?

Powdered Toast Man said...

I thought of Big Gay Al from South Park...lol

Sam said...

And...that about covers it. :)

You adorable salad-eating, size-small, gay-Googling thing, you.

Falling Up said...

I can't shop at Old Navy anymore. An XS is too big on me and then I go somewhere else and have to go for Medium. *sigh*

Mwa said...

You are too cute! And I will tell you the secret as to why the children refused to eat that - it has been scientifically proven that children will refuse to eat anything that is more than 49% green.

Tina H said...

You are too funny! Love you letters!

I don't know about Old Navy, the nearest one is 165 miles away. Been there once, did not impress me enough to go back.

l'ananas said...

Haha. I love these!. I am sure they are very therapeutic.

Beta Dad said...

You know what? That was one of the first things I thought of after I heard about Al and Tipper splitting up too. I thought it was just me.

Ally said...

you look awesome! congrats on the weight loss! as for old navy, i am dying to know who their fit models are because sometimes things are huge on me, other times they are ass-tight!

ps that salad looks soooo dee-lish! wish i lived next door and could share your leftovers :)