Thursday, June 3, 2010

All The Single Laddies!

It's common knowledge that I know everything there is to know about everything.

Parenting. Oh yeah, I've got that in the bag. I never fret, I never yell, my kids days are scheduled to a 'T' and they're all super genius and super well behaved. Elijah hasn't peed on the floor five times so far today and Max hasn't been parked in front of the computer for an hour...nope.

Style. Right now I'm wearing one of Jeremiah's undershirts and a pair of boxers that were my the 80s...thus the charmingly monstrous maroon polka dots. Without saying anything else regarding my sense of style, you obviously can glean that I'm an icon.

Homemaking. If you don't go in the kitchen, you don't have to do the dishes. If you pretend that you can't clean upstairs because cleaning will wake the baby from his nap, the upstairs magically cleans itself.

Personal Hygiene. The bottoms of my feet are the shade of dog shit and I haven't showered in two days...and counting. I'm operating under the idea that the more bacteria and filth one accumulates on their bodies, the stronger their immune system becomes.

Because I am a moral and social compass for acceptable behaviors and etiquette, a lot of my guy friends over the years have come to me for advice about women. Whether it be they have too many women and are having a problem picking just one or if they can't get laid to save their lives, I always am hear to listen and respond in the appropriate manner.

For example, a man I know thinks that he is too shy and he also has self esteem problems. He wants to attract the right type of woman, but right now he's only attracting the bottom of the barrel scum. I have noticed in the past the thing that sets this man apart from some other men is not just his lack of confidence but also his conversational skills. He's slow to answer and it makes one think that he's not paying attention when in reality he's just considering what he should say in response.

So listen up, Men. You want to bag a smart, pretty broad? Play to her EGO.

But keep in mind, you can't slobber and fawn all over a woman and expect to get laid. She'll probably be more annoyed by your constant attentions than anything else.

Because there's a fine line, we will practice this together.

Date night. You're sitting in a bar/restaurant waiting for your date. PLEASE be reading a book while waiting. Or listening to classical music on your phone (with earphones, of course)...but preferably a book.

Look up when she gets close enough to you, cock your head ever so slightly to one side, like you're taking her in and then say something unique, like it just popped out of your head:

"Huh. The shade of that dress makes your hair look darker. It's cool."

"Hey you look different from the last time I saw you..."
"Ya. More sparkly or something."

Listening, responding and questioning during conversation is of massive importance.

"And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"Explain that again, slow down this time. It's very interesting."

If you are having a discussion, before you begin your turn to talk and present your side, compliment her on her thoughts and how she formulated her side of the conversation.

"Although I have to disagree with you, I'm really impressed at how you came up with that."

"It's a neat concept, I'm glad you told me about it in that way."

"I've never thought of it that way before..."

Get it?

Ok lets practice some more. You look at photos and compliment the women in the photos accordingly and in an original manner:

Ok, so what did you come up with?

I thought of this: "Please tell me that smirk means you're considering plans for world domination! That would be so fucking cute!"

"I could be annoyed at that scrunched up face you make, but I really just want to kiss you every time you do it."

"Is it possible your skin looks creamy? Is that a skin color? How about milky? It's just perfect."

"You're wearing a wedding ring...I'm guessing that means we're not going to get it on like Donkey Kong tonight."

Ok, don't say that.

Try this one instead, "Do you drink tea a lot? I wonder if that's why your hair is so nice."

So the bottom line is, you can trounce her ass all night long later. Kissing her ass and stroking
her ego right now is going to get you there.

(thanks to all the ladies that let me use their photos. click on their adorable faces to visit their also adorable blogs)


Amanda said...

That reminds me of when my hubby's student gave him marriage advice once..and his advice was to, "pretend like you're interested in what the girl has to say..they like that". Indeed.

otherworldlyone said...

Heh. Oh Erin! You are very wise and knowledgeable. (Now go take a shower ;)

World domination was exactly what I was thinking about. Well, that and "Dude, I totally look like I have a milk mustache. Hahahaha teats."

Or something like that.

Let me try and help the fellas with their compliments too!!

Por moi: "Wow. Your forehead is huge! Let’s make the sex.”


“What’s that around your neck? It’s nice. *YANK* While you’re down there...”

Becks: “Yeah, you smell good too. Hey...where da boobs at?”

I won’t subject the other ladies to my compliment interpretations as I’m not familiar with them. And you know, different strokes – different folks. (I said strokes.)

Erin said...

Mmm, that worked for me. Wanna go on a date? We could be Erin Squared.

erin said...

Amanda: Indeed Indeed! Just tell me what I want to hear!!!

Al-Bear: Yours are so much better than mine. I meant your compliments, by the way.

Erin: I get to be on top!!

Miss Yvonne said...

You forgot the obvious line: Nice boobs.

What? That one always worked on me.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Erin, any guy that behaved that way when I was dating would have gotten the big NO GO.

Why you ask? Attentive and commenting on any part of my appearance (comparing clothes to the light) = a guy not playing on my team.

At least with Miss Yvonne's line I'd know the guy was straight before ending the evening early if I was sober.

mylittlebecky said...

so... what you're saying is that you want to make out with me? well, alright.

ally, i got your boobs right here! oh, wait. that probably doesn't work.

Unknown Mami said...

You are a very well rounded guru!

Mwa said...

You're so my example of the perfect housewife. I'm taking notes.

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

Your brain works in interesting ways:)

kara said...

how does one even seCURE one's grandfather's underdrawers?

marcia furman said...


Ally said...

Those compliments are too funny. Especially the get it on like Donkey Kong. :)

nova said...

Yeah I was also wondering about the grandpa's you ask him for them and if so how did that conversation come about? Did you just steal them? Did they accidentally end up in your house somehow?

Pearl said...

Some of the smartest advice I've heard all day!


Petit fleur said...

Damn, you're good!