Monday, August 9, 2010

writing

Sometimes words fly freely through my fingers, as messily and inelegantly as they flow through my fat mouth.

Sometimes they lie in weight near the tips, hovering with tingling magnetism and expectant power.

I wish my thought process was up to the obvious need I feel for writing. I'm not blocked my any means, I write for an occupation and do it well and often.

But when I look back on all the fiction I have written over the years and tucked away in folders and forgotten desktop icons, I feel a shameful flush come over my body from the heels of my feet up the back of my legs and rush into my mid-section. The center or my body and my weakest link, my stomach, begins to ebb and fall in waves of emotion. As is usually the case, I begin to feel nauseous.

Disappointed in myself and my inadequacies I sulk. I read contest entries and look at all the packages for magazine submissions I have accumulated over time.

Time to get back to work.

Now I'm even more disappointed. After reading this short post, I have realized what a whiny turd I am.

More sulking will commence forthwith.

11 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I DO THE VERY SAME THING! And now it's time to go do the fucking laundry.
Yi-yi-yi. We are our own worst enemies.

Missy said...

Self loathing is a bad feeling. One that can eat your life away. Things will get better!

MJenks said...

I think more blog posts should end with "forthwith".

Recently, I've been thinking of all the completed opi I have hidden away on the computer, and the ones that are half-done or gotten a really good start on, and I feel guilty.

And then I ignore them for another day.

Mwa said...

I have the same! I am starting to wonder if I just suck at fiction. It must be a different skill.

Sue (Someone's Mom) said...

The really nice thing is, every day we get to start over!

diane said...

Oh thank god I'm not the only person in the universe who has guilt over writing.

Sam said...

Allow me to join you. ;)

otherworldlyone said...

Ha, that's exactly what I do/feel.

Lora said...

We all need a good whine every now and then! I feel this way about posts I have composed in my head but am to scared to write and publish.

Wupppy said...

HA , well *I* love you!

oh...Snickers is promoting your work on my site, go check it out!

Amber said...

I'm with MJenks, more posts should end with "forthwith."

As someone who just finished an MFA in writing program, I can really relate to this.