Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Why I am Unable to Open My Eyes the Whole Way...

Our household was recently assaulted by the cold/flu. You know, the one that comes in the form of the most wretched cold you've ever had and for days you're covered in snot, tears and spittle?

Under the influence of this strange microbe you may say strange things to the people calling your house. You don't know why they're calling you, so you end up telling them all about this flu you have and how you think you're going to die. They politely tell you that they hope you feel better and to stay the hell away from them for at least a week. This may have been my mom, my grandma or some random telemarketer. I'm not sure.

I was forced (by Necessity, that damned bitch) to go to the grocery store with the still very sick Elijah and the not yet sick Jeremiah yesterday afternoon. Around Aisle 3 it dawned on me that Elijah and I may be spreading this god awful plague all over the store, what with my snot covered hands and sleeves and Elijah's constant projectile sneezing. It was in the next aisle over that I realized that is happened to be 'senior discount day' at that particular grocery store. Now the guilt of sending all of those innocent elderly to their deaths is weighing heavy on my head, like the several tons of snot assaulting me from all orifices. All head related orifices, that is.

Everybody has advice when you or your kids are sick. The grocery cashier even admonished me for not taking Elijah to the Doctor yet. Was it completely necessary for me to try to explain to this lady that the doctor can't do anything for a virus? After she suggested that Elijah should obviously be on antibiotics:

Erin: "Well....you know...antibiotics are for bacterial infections. And...we obviously have a cold-like flu caused by a virus similar to the common cold...just much...worse."
*cough*cough*sneeze*wipefaceonsleeve*grimaceinpain*

Cashier: "The Doctor could tell you something you don't know. I wouldn't take the chance. You two look HORRIBLE."

I did call the doc's office just to be sure, the nurse told me that they can't give us meds for a virus (blast! I look like an ass no matter what I do!) and that this flu is going around (which I knew thanks to facebook) and that I should keep the inflicted children hydrated and the air humid.

So far Maxine Jane is the only child not struck dumb and snotty by this pestilence. She rules our home with an iron fist...if iron fists are bright pink and taste of cotton candy, that is.

And to top things off I bought new furniture the first day of this scourge, before the symptoms were foul and running amuck. Now I'm constantly jumping on the kids to wipe their faces and hands before they sit on the couch. What possessed me to get new gameroom furniture? What was wrong with the ugly blue grey falling apart ripped and sewn over a billion times sectional my dad's friend gave us three years ago after it was in his gameroom for almost 20 years? I knew if I typed that out I would feel better about my choice.

Stay away from El Casa Eremiah folks, stay far far away.


On a side note, a lot of people commented on the horribly annoying nature I exhibited in my last post. I want to assure you all that I have known the target of my annoying I.M.s for a very very long time...and he deserves every single word I type.

20 comments:

Logical Libby said...

Have you thought about taking up serpents? You never know how it could help until you try...

And Meg is so snotty this week, it isn't even funny. Her poor little nose.

Leah Rubin said...

Man, this is serious! Hope everyone feels better soon. These viral things are a pain...

Carolyn...Online said...

We just survived the fifth plague at our house too. It's all fun and games til the dad gets sick.

otherworldlyone said...

Poor Erin and crew! I hope you all feel better soon.

Still, this post made me laugh.

Yay for Max!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Get well soon!

Tony said...

Aw...hope you all feel better! Back when the swine flu was a big deal, people were always all up in your business if you had a cough.

You know what I haven't had in years? Cotton candy.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I like "Jerin" better.

I hope you're feeling better. How's Olivia? She alright?

erin said...

Libby: Poor Meg! I'm glad she doesn't have the fever though. That part was the worst.

Leah: Thanks, I hope we feel better too.

Carolyn: Jeremiah has yet to fall ill. I'm crossing my fingers that he does not.

Aly: Max will rule the world.

Dr: Thank You.

Tony: For all I know we have the dreaded Piggy Pox. Without any pox. Ok. That was meant to be funny but crashed and burned.

Beckerino Baby: Olivia was sick at her dad's house all day yesterday and had a fever of 102 last night. Crazy shit. She's feeling much better. A few minutes ago she demanded dippy eggs and a cutted up apple.

mo.stoneskin said...

Careful when you jump on the kids. You don't want any broken bones (theirs or yours).

Ms. Moon said...

This is why I do not go out in public unless absolutely necessary. Bless your heart! Don't forget to hydrate yourself, too.

Mwa said...

Blegh. Hope you all feel better soon. If you spotted me in the store, I was the one taking a different isle from you every time and going to the furthest possible checkout. :-) I hate sick people in shops, but then of course I do the same if we're all sick but running out of food.

Sam said...

Em...how come you didn't send "the not yet sick Jeremiah" to the store while you lounged in bed with your bad self?

Feel better, Snookums. All of you.

Jules said...

Yucko!!! Feel better!

P.S. Hubby's down for the count too. GROSS!

John Pender said...

Hope everyone gets better soon!

Vic said...

My head is aching in sympathy for you, Erin.

Anybody who gets sick in my house and even dares breathe on me is getting put out on the porch until the mucus runs clear.

miss. chief said...

I hate it when people run to the doctor when it's obviously just a cold. Get well, yo!

Angela Christensen said...

Don't you just want to strangle perfect strangers when they give you advice? I remember being in the grocery store shortly after Mac was born. It was November, and cold. He was wearing one of those tiny little baby caps they give you at the hospital. A lady came up to me in the middle of an aisle, and said, "Don't you think it's too warm in here for that baby to have a hat on his head?" And I thought, Oh, God, what if she's right? What the hell do I know about babies, anyway? Who am I fooling?? I took the cap off. Two aisles later, another lady, also a complete stranger, said, "Don't you think that baby ought to have a hat on his head?" And THEN I thought, Well, I hate ALL of you, you, Nosy Old Ladies. And I took my baby and went home, beginning to learn what we all now know: we know our babies best, and for heaven's sake, why would we be in the grocery store by choice? Feel better soon!
Love, love.

Amanda said...

When I was suffering through my last cold I had to make a run to the grocery store and the cashier so kindly handed me an antibacterial wipe. Thanks?

Hope you feel better very soon. It's been going all around my neck of the woods, too.

Unknown Mami said...

How many elderly people do you think you are sending to an early grave?

Ally said...

Hope you guys are feeling better soon!! The one thing I kinda don't dig is when moms bring their sick kids to the office. It's close quarters in there and it's for long periods of time. Like in a store, you're kinda just hurrying in and out of there. I bet that makes no sense to germaphobes, but I like to create little theories :)

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing