Going to weddings or even doing brave things like leaving the house for more than a walk around the neighborhood might be a big part of other people's daily existences, but is certainly not part of my life. My fun outings consist of walking to the post office or taking a drive with Jeremiah to get groceries.
So last weekend attending a rehearsal dinner, staying at a stranger's house, spending the day with more strangers and then attending a wedding and reception freaking blew my mind. I also came to realize that people say the strangest things to me. Maybe I look like the type of person who won't be offended, or maybe I look like a good secret keeper? Regardless of why, here are some things that were said to me last weekend.
"OH MY GOD! You're 30? I thought for sure you were no older than 28!" -drunk girl at our reception table of people the Bride and Groom didn't want anywhere near them
"You do have that extra Mom padding back there, good for you!" -older women who befriended me at the wedding, remarking about how I look too young to have four kids
"You're not married? Well honey, if he ain't asked you yet, no way he's going to." -evil 2nd cousin of the bride's 2nd cousin
"Oh yeah, but it's no big deal. Some men don't want to get married to women who have kids already." -another evil cousin
"What's your name again? You're seriously my best friend and the coolest person I've ever met." -drunk groomsman
"You don't do shots? Fucking pussy."-same drunk groomsman
Also, one other weird thing, we went to bed much, much earlier than everyone else that came back to the Bride and Groom's house with us. They were up till dawn doing God know what, but I know it included Heavy D and the Boys and the Charles and Charge TV theme. The next morning I heard the drunk groomsman mentioned above stumble into the bathroom. I happened to look at my phone for the time right after he started peeing. I was laying back down with Jeremiah when I realized that the dude was still peeing! I looked at my phone and two minutes had past. Then I was totally enraptured. Two minutes might not seem like a long time, but time how long you pee next time and compare. He continued peeing for an astounding 4 minutes and 24 seconds. He also grunted ALOT. Poor fellow.
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9 comments:
FOUR MINUTE PEE! I'd say my max is like thirty seconds.
And btw you should hear the weird-ass shit people say to me, especially on the bus or at work. I've learned to keep a steady stare on weirdos and ask "What do you mean?" when they say something that could be insulting. It intimidates most of them into stuttering apologies.
Maybe he had a really narrow pee-hole? I don't know. Look at me, always looking for an explanation! LOL!
I can't believe some of those quotes! Holy cow. You poor thing. You must have been wondering what in the world was going on?! Nothing like time with stragers to make you appreciate your people.
Some of the things that people seem to think it's okay to say! You have to wonder where their head is at.
I swear I've had four minute pees, but not for many, many years. My marathon pees used to happen when returning home from clubbing all night long when I was a young 'un - admittedly there had been recreational substances involved. Not these days, though...
I once dated a guy who got excited about lengthy pee. Now I think on it, the night I found that out happened to be the last night I ever spoke to him.
I am strangely grossed out by the thought of long morning pees with groans. Or worse, flatulence. Blech.
People are so strange. I feel like I myself have come out with some whoppers, I think it's just awkward convo when you're doing the small talk thing, however I can't imagine being so rude. I think this morning I may have peed for two minutes straight. That's what happens when you go to bed after slugging down two bottles of water or 10 beers in his case I guess.
FourthGradeNothing.com
It sounds to me like you're one of the more interesting people these folks have come across. Cheers for you! You do have an interesting story and no one is more curious than a drunk person.
Love your writing and your reflections.
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