And on the river things are different. The water makes me feel stronger, more alive and maybe more capable. The sun makes me golden, true, intense and lazy all at once.
Today Kate and I sat in a three person tube for hours. I leaned back and dipped my hair in the water over and over and once or twice we freaked out over a spider or a bug that found its way into our raft. The sun was perfectly baking us and the river was incredibly cold and daunting, the current was swift.
It was lovely and intensely wonderful. I spend so much time just loving being with Kate it's hard to believe that most of my life I didn't really like her all that much.
We talked about dogs and the kids and our lives and I told her about how I have been feeling lately. A mix of happy and unhappy and comfortable, unsure and uncomfortable, anxious. She didn't say anything for a really long time and I started to think she was annoyed with me. Finally she said, "well what are you going to do about it?"
And I said, "Well at some point I made a decision and that's all there is. I am a mother to four children, a daughter to two and a sister to four and I am just that. Just that Kate. And it's final."
"Oh," she said "that's too bad."
And then Gordon jumped off the boat and we were soaked with cold clear water. He climbed into the raft further soaking us.
"What are you girls talking about!!???"
"Nothing. We are just happy to be together and here."
I put my head into my sisters chest and cried and cried. When I lifted my head we didn't say a word. She put her arm around me and we just were. My little sister comforting me in the sun and the water and the bright gleaming world.
It was a beautiful day.