Erin, Sex and A Trashy 80's Novel

Warning! This blog post is about sex. If you do not want to hear me talk about sex or are uncomfortable reading about blatantly unnatural sexual positions, please do not read on.

There. You have been warned.


This post isn't really about blatantly unnatural sexual positions. Sorry for the build up. It is instead about the book I am currently reading for the fourth time (the first being when I was 12, way to drop the ball Mom and Dad!), Lace by Shirley Conran. I have no idea why I insist on reading this book, which is essentially a romance novel, when I would usually make fun of anyone who would read anything from this genre. (Except for Wuthering Heights, all the Bronte homeys get a free pass).

I don't particularly connect with any of the characters, four women with various intertwining backgrounds who all met at a Swiss boarding school (I have, however, visited Switzerland...but not to go to school there, just to visit and walk around a village, tormenting the locals with my brash colloquialisms). But there is a lot of sex in this book and therein lies the rub!

The men in this novel are characterized as either rigid and horrible in bed or smooth, wonderful lovers who also happen to be tremendous assholes. Oh and there's also a slimy obese porn director as well.

And a transvestite husband.

And an Arab Prince (who was trained for weeks in the art of lovemaking).

What is repeated over and over again is that women aren't satisfied if they don't have an amazing partner who can expertly make her come every single time they make love. It makes me mad that intimacy is so trivialized in this book when it could be capitalized on in so many excellent ways.

I like some of the sex 'scenes' in this novel. But as soon as So and So's french paramour is a two pump chump, she's given up on him completely. She cries, blames herself for her dissatisfaction, and he tosses her to the wayside because she's frigid. It happens several times in several different sections of the book. So she 'gets revenge' later in life on men by using them for gratification and not giving them any (is that even possible?).

I don't know about you and your sex life but I wouldn't be satisfied if Jeremiah and I were making love and only I came. And I'm sure I can speak for him as well.

Do women really want the same thing men supposedly want? To have satisfaction sexually without the attachments? Does it really really feel as good when you're not in love?

Or am I thinking entirely too much about a bloody Shirley Conran book published in the 80's?

Not So Romantic Erin

Jeremiah and I are way behind on the HBO series True Blood. We watched the first season via Netflix last summer and are just now watching the second season.

Which means I can't sign on to either twitter or facebook on Sundays without being assaulted by True Blood plot killers.

I really want to keep watching the show, I like the sex. I like the violence. I like the plot mechanics.

I just hate the romantic talky talky bullshit.

And the strange fairytale Beauty and the Beast music that plays every time Bill and Sookie kiss.

Hate hate hate.

Jeremiah and I use the phrase 'Too much talky talky' at least 10 times during one episode. And it's usually when Sookie and Bill are having the same conversation they've had on the show a thousand times (there's only 10 episodes per season too!):


"Sookie, you have no idea what it is like to be a vampire."

"Oh Bill, you have no idea what it's like to be a telepath."

"Sookie, I'm not accustomed to living in these times."

"Oh Bill, you'll learn. You have a heart even though you're a vampire."

"Sookie, I'm different from all the other vampires."

"Oh Bill, you have a heart even though you're a vampire."

And so on and so on...for about 2-8 minutes. Then they passionately kiss and the music starts. This is going to be a totally random comparison but I swear the music is nearly the exact same music that plays at the end of Disney's Beauty and the Beast when the Beast turns into a Prince.

Then Sookie and Bill begin to do it and there are lots of shots of his butt and her tits, which is somehow supposed to make up for the 2-8 minutes of excruciatingly boring diatribe I had to do through to get to the sex.

But it doesn't.

I'd rather just watch them fighting bad guys and getting involved in more plot twists than watching them do it...again. Maybe I'm just turned off by the talking.

So much for my romantic side.