Kids can be as funny as swear words and poop...

I read a lot about the lack of substance in 'Mommy Blogs' and have been witness to a few Twitter skirmishes on the topic as well. I suppose the premise (or at least one of them) of this argument is that strangers don't want to look at pictures of your kids or don't want to hear about them all the time. I think this is a little bit bunk in my case though.

1. I bet you that my kids are funnier, cleverer and cooler than most everyone. Did I mention 'ridiculous'?
2. I went to school to be a writer, that has to count for something, right? Give me a degree, I'll give you the world. Wait.
   

College didn't have a course on Correct Cliche, obviously.

That's all I could come up with.

Below is the obligatory story about Mein Kinder, separated by this glorious line. A Maginot Line, if you will, to protect you from my Mommy Bloggerness.
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Olivia has red hair and we've recently taken to calling her The Ginger, which annoys Maxine Jane to no end. As soon as the words leave my mouth a look of shock and dismay lights up her moppet-face, her hands shoot to her tiny hips, her feet immediately take the preferred stomping stance, her voice reaches almost maximum whining levels and it's becoming obvious that she's pissed as hell.

"Mom. Her name is not that! STOP SAYING THAT! CALL HER BY HER NAME!" She stomps away, looking to take her anger out on some unsuspecting sibling somewhere else in the house.

Against my better judgment I set off after her, hoping to get to the bottom of this. I find her face down in her bed, sobbing into a giant pink and yellow stuffed butterfly. Her life is so wretched and wrought with hardships.

"Maxine, what is the matter?" I try to bring a tenderness to my voice even though I'm half annoyed, half amused.

"You know that *sniffle, gag, cough, cough, sniffle* her name isn't 'The Ginger'." Despair emanates from her very core.

"It's just a nickname, Maxine. There's this old British man that lives down the street and he called her that the other day. I thought it was cute." I actually thought it was a little disturbing, being that the old British man stumbled onto his front porch as we were passing and called out, "Hey Ginger, Come on over here!!! Hey you! Tell your momma to drop you off for tea sometime!!!!" at us.

"It's a nice name, I guess. But I'm just so sad cause you and Jeremiah call me 'Mini-Jerk' and 'Washington' and 'Evil One' and they aren't nice like 'Ginger'." Her face is peppered with splashes of red, snot is running freely from her nose and she still looks lovely.

"Maxine Jane, aw baby. You know those aren't your usual nicknames! We just use those when we're kidding around, I usually call you my 'Angel Face' and my 'Little One' and 'Momma's Baby'..." I'm actually starting to feel sad as well and guilty to boot.

"Ya...I know. Ok, I'm not mad at you anymore, I guess. But, maybe if we walk past that old man's house he'll give me a new nickname too?"

"Maybe, Max..."

I shudder to think.

Best Mommy Blogger ryhmes with Best Mommy Frogger!

I just want you guys to know that I'm not quite 30 years old yet. There are approximately 89 days until that day comes. (I say 'approximately' to make it seem like I didn't really pick up my phone, open up the calendar and count out the days to my 30th birthday, cause who would do something like that?)

Regardless of my actual age, I am a member of the highly esteemed Studio Thirty Plus, a website for bloggers who are over thirty and wordy. I think there is a general consensus among some of the snarkier and jerkhead (I'm looking at you Vic, what the hell!?) members that I preformed sexual acts on both Jules and Jerrod (creators of the site) in order to be a member before the age of 30, but this is not true. I did, however, cry and whine a lot and send them hundreds of thousands of threatening text messages in order to claim a spot on their member list.

Depending on how you look a this I'm either adding insult to injury or a excited and proud blogger today because I am nominated for an Boomerang Award on Studio Thirty Plus!!!

In order to capitalize on what I'm sure was a huge mistake, please go and vote for me there....Here is a handy link to the page where you can vote for me as:

BEST MOMMY BLOGGER!!!

In order to further convince you to go there, sign up (if you're not already a member) and vote for me, allow me to show you some examples of my obvious maturity AND my excellent parenting...

Here I am in one of the hats that are on sale at Pageboy shop in the Lawrenceville neighborhood of Pittsburgh PA. I was supposed to get some photos of myself in my hats looking cute and cool in order to promote the shop and my adorable products (available for custom order right now at Ultra Cute Crochet)...instead I decided to mine for some gold, in order to supplement my business output, of course.

My kids were born in a barn. He was happy standing there, and the heat only kicked on 30 times in the 15 minutes I let him stand there with the door open while we were getting ready to go. At least he has a hat on.


I not only knew about, but also participated in the Great Twister Incident of 2010, with jacked up hair. There were several serious injuries...but I gave the injured children pop and cookies at 10 am. They felt much better.

I let these three questionable characters (3 of my 4 younger siblings) around my children on a regular basis.

So since I have shown you my supremacy in all things Best Mommy Bloggerish, please go to Studio Thirty Plus and vote for me!!!