Hurt

Recently I've had occasion to hurt someone's feelings rather badly. It was completely and totally unintentional but I still feel this slow churning burning gut sensation as I'm working and going about my daily chores/work schedule.

I remember once having a conversation with Rose, my oldest daughter, about how one of my worst fears was learning that someone I loved and adored and assumed that they felt that way about me was talking about me behind my back. That would be the worst. And it's happened to me and it still hurts. Daily. Like hurts my head and my back and my cheeks are burning just thinking about it. So painful and gut wrenching.

Of course I'm vague-blogging at this point and I know that sucks but I want to get this off of my chest. In the vaguest way possible, unfortunately.

I am very sorry that I hurt your feelings, that I made you feel badly in any way, shape or form. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and me in my ignorance did not take any care or time to consider this. I was being immature and although I intended no harm in the least I can see now how you would be hurt and how it would be hard for you to digest those feelings and move on.

In a perfect world I would be able to soothe you and assure you that I am sincere in hoping I can make it up to you. But in this world things being as they are I know that's not going to happen.

Trust me when I say that I love everyone, love people, believe in loving everyone equally and fully...so it pains me just to know I have caused pain.

As someone who has experienced incredibly piercing hurt I apologize once more before I start on my path to learning from this experience and becoming a better person because of it. Or at least hopefully becoming a better person. I fall short often...but I keep on trying.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Time oh time...time and time again. I often think that time should be measured in different quantifying calculations than our accepted ones. 

Parenthood is strange because in some cases both your parents are there to witness you taking your first breath. You leave your mother's body for your father's arms. 

So in a way and by certain stretches of the imagination my time on this earth can be measured in the same way as the time my daddy has been a father. 

And because of that grand caveat I wish it were possible to gauge time in love. 

In that regard I have been blessed to spend countless and infinite years with my father...

And look forward to an eternity with him. 

Helicoptering

I guess I must have glossed over the term 'helicopter parent' that's being used quite often recently. I assumed I knew what it meant and dismissed it without looking very much further into it.

And then I was accused of being one, in jest of course, but still...

I delved into finding out what it really meant. The term was first used in 1969 in a parenting book by Dr. Haim Ginott as a term coined by teenagers who felt their parents would hover over them like a helicopter. The more I got into it the more I felt my type of parenting was being maligned in all of the articles I was reading about helicopter parenting. Now it's obvious from anybody that knows me that my type or parenting is not as severe and smothering as what is described in definitions of helicopter parenting. So maybe I'm more of a Goodyear blimp mother....floating well within reaching distance but still floating, not helicoptering.

But I also became cognizant that I have a real problem letting my children face consequences, be it because they forgot their lunch or a school folder with assignments...or like in Olivia's case her coat, which she loses several times each year. I am always there to swoop in and clean up their forgetfulness or laziness or absent mindedness because I don't want them to face the consequences. I'm afraid of them being hurt...of hurting.

I also am right there to pick up spills, clean wounds, help with chores...things that maybe my children should be learning to do on their own. But I fear their tears, fear that they will think I'm a bad mother, fear that they won't trust me anymore.

These are obvious all my problems, my issues...but as a mother of four children how do you separate You from Them?

Very, very carefully.

I Have a Gift

What does it feel like to bring another human being into this world?

I have a gift. A very special gift that was somehow given to me by happenstance and irony. Me, the older sister, tired of babies and children, has been a purveyor of life. 

One child, my first, came free from my body after a long and exhausting debacle. Not long compared to some others hard fought battles but long enough for my small and battered 20 year old body. When I saw her for the first time I was in a daze. She was so small and dark. I barely recognized her as coming from my body. My last two siblings were big and pink and blonde. Rosey was small, thin and covered in a layer of dark hair, as dark as the hair on her tiny black head. Who was this child? And how did I create her? I wasn't so much worried or enraptured as I was very, very tired. Within the next few days she became my best friend, my confident, my baby with the old soul. 

One was so anxious to come into this world that she tore through me like a bullet. She left me injured and ripped and bloody. The most blood I had ever seen in my life. And when they let me hold her she was aware and huge in my arms searching to suckle off of me. Her long fingers and new nails dug into my skin. She looked like a newly recruited marine with a devastatingly short blonde crew cut. The nurses told me she was an unprecedented almost two feet long. And she was born with dark, incredibly brown eyes. 

My third child came at the end of my relationship with her father. I knew it was over and he did not. Not that he cared in that moment and honestly neither did I. The doctor made her come with medications and wires and hoses. I had never really knew pain until she needed to come out of my body. Nurses and doctors were around us worried. She wouldn't come out. I had begged my doctor not to have a c-section. I had seen my mother walloped by the effects of surgery and couldn't go down that same path. Rather than attempt a breach birth my doctor and a local midwife attempted to turn her. And it was painful. Worse than any pain I had ever felt and probably will ever feel. Hands in me and on me all pushing and pulling. 12 hours later I looked into her face and my mom and I named her on the spot. Maxine Jane. Covered in vernix she was smooshed, wrinkled and mottled by dark red birth marks. They put her on my chest and let me wipe away the layers of thick goo. But she didn't nurse.  My momma held me and we cried together in silent sobs. I had given birth to a child that didn't need me but needed me all the same. Ironically after the first few days and into the next almost two years of her life she did nothing but nurse and often refused to eat any solid foods. 

My last child came in a pretty ordinary way. Yes, it was different compared to his sisters arrivals, but Jeremiah and I had decided early into my labor with him that we would accept the medication that had been forced onto me after 20 hours of labor with Max. After the initial nervousness surrounding the epidural administration Jeremiah and I spent six hours relaxing and hugging and kissing and sleeping. And when Elijah started to come into this world we were all surprised. I had been on my side talking to Jeremiah when all of the sudden I knew the baby was leaving my body, "Oh babe. Look quick. The baby is coming!" And he had enough presence of mind to call for a nurse who had the presence of mind to call our doc who was asleep in a lounge. 

Elijah was born without stirrups or medical intervention on the bed between my legs. I was able to reach down and touch him before they took him away. Jeremiah was so overwhelmed he almost wasn't able to cut the umbilical cord. We both kept staring at Elijah's blue feet and haltingly asking, "Is he OK? Is that normal?" The nurses and doctor didn't seem concerned. My mother walked into the room and was so relieved because she saw me delivering the after birth and thought I was delivering the baby. And then in a movement that goes down in infamy Elijah grabbed at the oxygen tubes and ripped them free. The hissing alerted my mom to her grandson. The nurses all gathered around the scale and weighed him in at an almost record breaking 10 pounds 14 ounces. Almost, but not quite the biggest natural birth at our hometown hospital.

I have a supernatural, incredibly frightening and huge gift. Like a super heroine, but delicate and easy to break, I have done wildly unlikely things.

And I see the result of my labors every single day in three sets of varying shades of brown eyes and one green, almost hazel set. Who knows, life is so incredible and surprising...they might turn another shade of brown yet. 

She's Leaving Home

When my sister was little she seemed consistently pissed off. She seemed to me to be always pouting, moody, sleepy, competitive.  And I was joyous, buoyant, flighty and hyper. Put those huge differences in personality plus our seven year age difference and we were sure to never get along. 

I know all about sisters. My mom has three that she is extremely close with and although not as close my dad has two sisters. And my grandma had had no less than five or six. I never paid attention enough to keep count. But from a young age I felt I would never be close with my sister. Kate and I were as different as night and day and as a teenager and a young woman I didn't give her the time of day.

But then my grandma got sick. I never knew I needed my siblings so much until I actually really needed them and they needed me to support each other through the worst time of our lives. 

And that's when I fell in love with Kate. She knew how awkward and uncomfortable I had become as an adult and we were suddenly totally transparent with each other. She forced me to come out of my shell and helped me to leave hermit mode and have some semblance of an adult life outside of my role as a mother and I vowed to her I would be there for her as I should have always been. 

The last three years of my life have been fuller because of her and her friendship. Her dimpled smile is contagious. Her loyalty makes me proud to be her sister. Our conversation makes me wish I had spent more time with her when we were children and younger adults. 

And now she's moving eight hours away from me. I've been as supportive as I could possibly be and am totally cognizant of the fact we will always be close but still I will miss her. I will miss her hugs and our random shopping trips. I will miss being able to convey my thoughts and feelings with one glance her way. I will miss watching movies with her and I will miss more than anything laying lazily with her in the sun basking as much in the warmth of the day as on her adorable dimpled smile. 

All of the memes and sayings are truer than true, when you have a sister you have a friend for life. My true friend, a woman who knows my heart, shares my history and genetics and knows everything about everything I've ever done. 

And she's leaving home...and me.

 

23 Questions about Me by Olive, Maxine Jane and Elijah

A high school friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I thought it would be fun to do with my youngest three children:

Without ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. 

I got a kick out of some of their answers. Elijah doesn't like being put on the spot so he refrained from answering a lot of the questions. I came away feeling pretty good about me as a mom from their eyes. I also know now that Olivia is a jerk.

 

Olivia age 13 

Maxine Jane age 10 

Elijah age 7

1) What is something mom always says to you? –

Olivia: Clean your room.

Maxine: Stay outside until you dry off.

2) What makes mom happy? –

Maxine: Me! Playing with Blueberry.

Elijah: Being with her children.

3) What makes mom sad? –

Maxine: Liv and I fighting.

Elijah: Watching a sad Disney movie.

Olivia: When she has to work on her day off.

4) How does mommy make you laugh? –

Maxine: Making old jokes.

Olivia: You’re not funny.

5) What was your mom like when she was a child? –

Maxine: I have no idea.

Olivia: Ditto.

6) How old is your mom? –

Olivia: Old.

7) How tall is your mom? –

Maxine: 5’3”. I’m actually right? I just guessed.

Olivia: 3’2”

8) What is her favorite thing to do? –

Maxine: Cuddle with us and with Blueberry.

Elijah: Exactly what Max said.

9) What does your mom do when you're not around? –

Maxine: Exercise, work, sleep.

Olivia: Killing her enemies.

10) If your mom becomes famous what will it be for? –

Olivia: Being the shortest woman on earth. I mean, being a famous author.

Maxine: Being a cuddle buddy.

Elijah: The woman who thinks she’s 16 because she blogs on her phone.

11) What is your mom really good at? –

Max: Making bunnies!

Olivia: Playing the ukulele.

Elijah: Drawing pictures maybe?  

12) What is your mom not very good at? –

Elijah: Playing on the trampoline because it makes her dizzy.

Maxine: Playing in the water because she always has her phone on her.

Olivia: Running.

Maxine: What? That’s not really nice.

Olivia: Have you ever seen her run?

13) What does your mom do for a job? –

Maxine: Typing.

Elijah: Work on the computer.

Olivia: Transcription and research.

14) What is your mom’s favorite food? –

Maxine: Sushi.

Olivia: I got nothing.

Elijah: I got nothing too.

15) What makes you proud of your mom? –

Olivia: Absolutely nothing.

Maxine: That’s not funny Olivia.

Elijah: Yes, that’s not funny.

Maxine: That she works all day for us and puts up with Olivia.

Elijah: Making food for us every day. Every day breakfast, lunch and dinner.

16) If your mom were a character, who would she be? –

Maxine: The elephant from Tarzan. “Are you sure that water is sanitary? It looks questionable to me.”

Elijah: Princess Peach!

Olivia: The mom from Tangled.

Maxine: You’re a jerk Olivia.

17) What do you and your mom do together? –

Maxine: Play outside together with Blueberry and you watch TV with us and play games.

Olivia: We do memes together.

Elijah: Watch movies together.

18) How are you and your mom the same? –

Olivia: We both like music

Maxine: We both have the same hair color

Elijah: We both have hazel eyes, right?

Max: No!

Elijah: Ok, we both have brown hair.

Maxine: You’re copying off of me. 

 

19) How are you and your mom different? –

Elijah: This is really confusing

Maxine: You don’t like to play in water

Elijah: You don’t like cold water.

Olivia: You play instruments and I don’t

20) How do you know your mom loves you? –

Maxine: You feed us and care for us.

Elijah: When we’re sick you care for us.

Olivia: You don’t leave us in the middle of the forest like Hansel and Gretel

21) What does your mom like most about Jeremiah? –

Olivia: His hair.

Maxine: How he is a cat lover. Can’t hug every cat.

Olivia: His sense of humor. The fact that he likes to skateboard.

Max: He likes you, that’s why. You like him because he like you. 

22) Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? –

Elijah: Sushi.

Olivia: Nowhere. She wants to stay at home.

Max: You like when we went to North Carolina on a vacation

23) How old was your mom when you were born? –

Elijah: There’s so many of us, how are we supposed to know this?

Olivia: How old are you right now?

Maxine: 24! I win!

Buzz

I'm allergic to bees. It's a constant fear of mine and I waited with trepidation while three of my four children were stung with no ill effect other than the usual sting and slight swelling. Elijah, my youngest is allergic to penicillin, like me, and has never been stung by a bee...I cringe every time I see one around him.

They say allergies aren't hereditary but my Pappy is allergic to pencillin and bees, Elijah's paternal grandfather is as well and so am I. Regardless of what the self sure medical professionals say I would say that there is probably a good chance Elijah is too.

My two reactions to bee stings have wound me up in the hospital and have been harrowing and horrible. Despite this I'm quite cavalier about the whole issue. My mind always tells me that I've already been stung twice, what are the chances it would happen again? 

This past weekend I was working at a local state park at a farm market and it was a beautiful day. Sunny and warm and yes, the area was teeming with bees. But for some reason especially bumblebees. I had made some comments about being allergic to the woman who was working at the market with me and how I never remember to bring my epi-pen with me ever like the hapless forgetful fool that I am.

Just as we were joking about how we were sure someone there would be better prepared than me and have an epi-pen I swatted bumblebee from my general area and sat down in a chair...directly onto another bumblebee. I felt the buzzing under my left thigh and then the painful sting. I sat up immediately with shock, rubbing at the back of my leg and the alarm spread over me.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" I looked with panicked eyes at my co-worker and she looked pale. I started pacing and inwardly taking stock of how my throat felt, how I was breathing. The pain spreading through my leg was pretty bad and I knew that couldn't be a good sign. Practically shaking my co-worker quietly yelled out, "Does anyone have an epi-pen! Benadryl? First aid kit?!" her voice wavering.

I was surprised when my throat still hadn't closed up but I did feel the familiar swelling on each side of my neck and a tickling in my throat.

A woman at a table a little bit from us noticed our frenzy and came over to us. She announced herself as a nurse and asked if she could help. I told her I was stung by a bumblebee and she calmly said, "Are you allergic to bumblebees?" I told her that I hadn't been stung by a bumblebee before but had been stung twice by honey bees with an anaphylactic reaction. She looked relieved and told me that the two aren't definitely interchangeable, that someone could be allergic to honey bees and not bumblebees and vice-versa. I paced for a little bit longer and the horrible squeezing in my throat never came.

The back inside of my left thigh was burning and angry though. I went into the bathroom and stared in shock at the softball sized thick welt forming around the sting. I was shocked at how hot it felt rubbing against my other thigh. Needless to say I was afraid the stinger was somehow still in my leg and wet paper towels to swab at the welt.

After three days of applying hydrocortisone and calamine lotion the swelling finally went away but left a large, raised oval on my skin that a week later still stings. 

I filled all of my epi-pen refills at my dad's pharmacy the next day after being stung. I stowed some away in my change purse, my glove compartment, Jeremiah's glove compartment and replaced the ancient ones at my parents' house.

I won't be so cavalier about my allergies anymore. I also will always look before I sit down forever...or until my mind starts telling me I'm invincible again.